We have just had a year full of drama like no other that we have ever had. I spent the last few hours of this New Year’s Eve thinking about some of those highlights. Some of the highlights which came to my mind and ignited my imagination to comment on are set out below.
Some of the highlights I have omitted were too grave or serious for a light-hearted piece like this one.
We have lost some illustrious people this year but out of respect to their memories and their families feelings and sensitivities I thought it would be in bad taste to include them in a satirical review. We have had some difficult economic times and sometimes been kept in the dark by the power utility. Again I felt that the festive period was not right for a heavy discourse and have intentionally made this piece light-hearted.
The highlights of 2015 that I write about below are therefore by no means the most important highlights but represent random kindling of events discussed in a manner I hope will, if not induce a burst of laughter, at least force a smile on your face.
Below in no particular order are the highlights that keeping popping into my head. This is the season of Joy and not Gloom, so, ENJOY!
1. Edgar CHAGWA Lungu gets elected as Zambia’s sixth President. What is amazing is that he came from behind to win the election after only three weeks of campaigning! He had so little time that his campaign message was simply, “Ifintu ni Lungu” and “Lungu Epologulamu” and he had no time to explain Ifintu Mu pologulamu.
2. Fourth Republican President Rupiah Banda (RB) is acquitted of corruption charges at the No Case to Answer stage. In the meantime those who had tried to second guess the verdict of the Court and had declared him guilty outside the Court were themselves put on their defence on charges of contempt of court. RB even travels to Nigeria twice after a Nigerian NGO claims that they will be ensuring that RB is arrested in Nigeria. After the Post Newspaper and its editor and their sources are found with a case to answer, the Nigerian NGO becomes extremely quiet and its directors and officials never sets foot in Zambia again. RB is overheard saying, “Mambala!”
3. Miles Sampa resigns as Deputy Minister of Commerce and everyone holds their breath waiting to see what his next move will be. If Miles doesn’t act soon he may be responsible for involuntary mass manslaughter of all those people holding their breath.
4. Geoffrey Bwalya Mwamba (GBM) defects from PF to UPND. GBM shows that he has the poise and grace of a ballerina. GBM appears to be on his tiptoes on one leg firmly in the PF ring, dressed in a tutu whilst he has an outstretched leg positioning backwards and all the while the rest of his body and hands arched over his head are leaning clearly over the UPND ring in a rather shaky arabesque ballet pose.
5. On a personal note a notoriously unreliable online publication appointed me as Minister of Labor and also made me the mastermind in a group of twenty five political conspirators. This all goes to show that you should not believe everything you read (and certainly nothing from the particular online publication which would make the Manufacturers Association of Zambia proud with the rate at which they manufacture false stories). Both reports were figments of someone’s overly fertile imagination. All I could say was to echo the words of Mark Twain upon his obituary being mistakenly published (The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated) “Reports of my appointment and membership are not only greatly exaggerated but also grossly malicious.”
6. A National day of prayer was called for the 18th October 2015 amidst dire predictions that 18 (6+6+6) was an ominously devilish day as it was the mark of the Devil 666 and we were going to get manifestations from gremlins, bats and vampires at the National Prayer Day. It was not to be however as the National Day of Prayer went off very well and the only manifestation was not devilish but instead under a Sun Halo or rainbow around the Sun which is said to be a good sign. It appeared that the gremlins, bats and vampires boycotted and snubbed the National Day of Prayer.
7. PF Secretary General Davies Chama undertook a charm offensive tour of Southern Zambia to try and mend fences with the people of the region. Chama in a Steve Harvey type miscue Chama is declared, “The ‘Chamapion’ or ‘Belle of the South’, and winner of the Mr. Congeniality contest……..DAVIES THE CHARMER!!!!” Many asked whether Davies’ ‘charm offensive’ was not in fact ‘offensive charm’.
8. The PF passed the Constitutional Amendment Bill containing most of the clauses the Zambian people have been demanding. Surprisingly those who have been threatening a fate worse than death to the PF if these clauses were not voted into law are now crying foul and demanding that President Lungu reverse his vision over the Constitution making process and not assent to the Bill. Only a visionless leader would not recognize that there has been marked Constitutional development towards content that Zambians have been demanding. After stating that only a good Constitution can keep politicians honest, their turn around on the contents of the Constitution proves them right?
9. President Lungu collapses at an official engagement sparking a flurry of speculation and even the manufacture of clearly false medical reports. Inspite of numerous orchestrated reports from certain online publications and some politicians of the imminent death of President Lungu, the President has increasingly been looking like he could take on macho-president Vladamir Putin judging from the jogging (not the London type jogging then Vice President Lupando Mwape alluded to in the time of President Levy Mwanawasa) and sprinting he has been doing. He also looks like he could win a dance-a-thon as he showed at a recent Officers Annual Ball. These are not signs of a man on his deathbed.
10. We were privileged to get the first Presidential Press Conference since President Rupiah Banda held his last one in 2011. Many expected much drama, missteps and blunders during President Lungu’s Press conference. At the end of it the full diplomatic Corp who were assembled there seemed to buy into the President’s vision and all lined up to shake hands with him and say positive things in their post press conference comments. Those who were praying for some kind of ominous sign at the press conference were sorely disappointed as even the monkeys at State House no longer seem to be incontinent.
As you all conduct your own personal review of what you consider to be the highlights of 2015, please remember that this is the season of goodwill to all people and a time to wish joy to all in the new year.
HAVE A HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR ALL
BO SAKI YOU FORGOT TO ADD TO ADD A SINGLE ONE OF MAHTANI MANY VICTORIES THAT RESULTED IN HIS EXONERATION AND MORE PROSPERITY. THEN THERE WAS THE FALL OF THE KWACHA AND THE COLLAPSE OF LIVELIHOOD OF MANY OF THE MINERS THAT LOST THEIR JOBS. LOAD SHEDDING AND ITS EFFECT ON LIFE IN ZAMBIA. THE TANKING OF THE ZAMBIAN ECONOMY, MASSIVE NATIONAL DEBT AND DETERIORATION OF OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM. THE ONLY BRIGHT NOTE IS THAT 2015 IS OVER AND WE GET TO HAVE ANOTHER ELECTION THIS YEAR!!!
@loadist:
Spot on! Saki, the Master of Dark Forces and Godfather of the Evil wouldnt remember all that. He is actually more desperate than people think. He is in fact EITHER looking for a Job from Lungu OR thinking of Evil schemes with RB, Ventriglias, Oddys, etc. Zambia is cursed and has got 2 Devils on its soil – Saki and Frank Bwalya!!
Sakwiba Sikota the Edgar Lungu worshipper. You can’t even produce a professional article that conceals your fanatism towards the PF and it’s tandem of thieves. We know you are publicly worshipping Lungu so that he can call upon you to represent him in the courts of law to answer corruption charges once he leaves office this year. it’s all about survival for you. Smart move!!!
Brace yourself Saki, Aleisa HH
Saki wanted me to laugh & I did but to only how the mighty have fallen.
Never imagined a day would come when bo Saki would grovel at the bottom rung, Saki the darling of the ’90s/early ’00s post.
Phew! How the mighty have fallen.
@Loadist and Chilyata, is the loathing of the man that has clouded your comprehension or you have issues understanding the English language? Saki clearly stated at the beginning of the article that he was going to deliberately leave out those serious issues that affect ordinary people’s livelihood. he dedicated the first few paragraph explaining why, including the fact his was going to be satire, just meant to target politicians for ridicule.
I’m not qualified to comment on his political lineage, but you accuse him of being Mr Lungu and RB’s chola boy. But he clearly targetted both Lungu and RB for ridicule.
Love or loathe a man, but please never cloud your judgement… never be the one to be negative all the time, at all costs just because he doesn’t share…
contnd
…never be the one to be negative all the time, at all costs just because he doesn’t share your political patronage. For starters I wouldn’t think Saki would be HH’s praise singer given the political history by which he (HH) acquired power from him after the demise of Mazoka.
Saki has always been a good lawyer… and he may have made a good politician too had the circumstances been different after Mazoka left UPND in his hands, only for HH to grab if from him. However, I never really supported his decision to join politics around 2001 or so because I knew that would affect his legal judgement and his independence. Zambian politics is not for the good nurtured and the ‘mavericks’.
this shameful lozi. now compromised by the PF. you’re a disgrace to barostseland!
Typical of Saki, a fake lawyer and Master of Dark Horses doing what he does BEST!! Godfather of the Mafia with full of Evil ideas and King of the underworld!!
He is either thinking of Evil schemes against Mathani or Seeking favours from Lungu and his executive by singing fake praises! UPND is this still your lawyer?
The most divisive lawyer this country has ever had.He is analytical is always a paid up show.
This *****. No wonder he urinates on himself when he drinks beer
Chinyanta you are spot on. This man was once the hub of reason and source of pride for us. I can smell wishes of a running mate to Lungu here….. The year was bad and Lungu messed up the economy big time… Too late Saki. Too late.
This Saki is benefiting from Lungu remember he is a RB friend this guy did a lot of rubbish in RB time he was in control of ACC and DEC. Do be take taken by this f.o.o.l” s posting.
Saki, add the following to your 2015 highlights
1. Collapse of kwacha with 100% depreciation.
2. Collapse of mining sector and massive job losses.
3. Inflation reaches 21%.
4. Almost all basic commodities double. Mealie meal approaches K95 in some cases.
5. External approaches $7 billion or about $500 per head.
6. Debt to GDP ratio crosses the 50% barrier.
7. Massive budget deficits.
8. Mining firms still unpaid up to $600 million on VAT refunds.
9. Loadshedding becomes an Apocalytic Mad Max Nighmare.
10. Fertiliser costing K450 per bag.
11. Voucher system a dismal failure.
12. Endemic political violence sponsored by PF.
13. Edgar wastes $300,000 to ferry dancing queens to New York.
14. Waste of milllions to buy satellite phones.
15. Another useless constitution process…
Do you not understand the meaning of political satire and ridicule… What you have listed cannot be turned into satire as per Saki’s disclaimer at the beginning of the article… please people read, read.
@Maverick OUR POINT IS NOT ENTIRELY BASED ON REBUTTAL OF SAKI’S SATIRICAL COMPOSITION WE RECOGNIZE AND APPRECIATE HIS WRITING. HOWEVER IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT FTHE SERIOUSNESS OF OUR TIMES DEMANDS THAT ATTENTION BE PAID TO THE GREATER ISSUES FACING OUR NATION. IN HIS PIECE SAKI HAS ATTEMPTED TO PUT IN PERSPECTIVE THOSE EVENTS THAT DO NOT REFLECT THE TRUE STATE OF OUR DIRE SITUATION AS A NATION. TO SIT IDLY BY AND NOT BRING THOSE ISSUES UP WOULD BE A DISSERVICE TO OURSELVE AS A COUNTRY.
iwe loads…. whatever,
stop shouting.
@maverick, never argue with a fool cos …
@ ‘Loadist’, again it wasn’t Saki’s intention to write about those do called ‘GREATER ISSUES FACING OUR NATION’. Saki himself said that at the beginning. Why do you think he owes you or the nation to summarise and write about those serious issues? A ‘disservice’ to whom? Did you engage him contractually and paid him to do a service of writing about serious issues? And it sounds like you already know those serious issues, so why do you want Saki to repeat them for you.
Jeez man, why is it so hard to understand? The man wanted to joke around and he picked up a pen to write about satire and humor. Either you find it fun and laugh or walk away grumpy without saying a word.
If you feel Saki has not covered enough; why not do your own Analysis and Highlight your own list.
There is only much a person can write. And frankly just like the bloggers see fit to make their own preferred highlights, Saki is also entitled to choose his list.
UPND.. You are bitter, frustrated, angry. Unfortunately that is not helping you to increase your base.
But do you really think if Saki was at the helm of UPND the party would have been where it is now? The honest answer is no, look at ULP where is it now? Yes the issues of tribal if at all were there , could be wrong , but it is clear in 2006 he lost to HH not that he was not allowed to stand.
So called tell me- Saki has not mentioned the issues raised by the bloggers because he is not affected by the failed economy. Even if the cost of living doubles Saki is not a list bit worried. WHY. Am sure only a Jew in Palestine would not know the answer to this. If the majority are suffering, where do they turn to if the people responsible turn a deaf ear to reality. SAKI knows what`s happening. I don`t think he`s that stupid. He chooses to look the other way because it suits him. Imagine if UPND was in power, do you think SAKI`s list would still be the same as the one he`s sent?. So then, who is biter between SAKI and UPND?. He knows that UPND now have one foot in state house and it eats him. For an educated man like SAKI, what can RB offer him that he could not have had by now on his…
The biggest losers in 2015 were HH’s Grand Collision that imploded over the constitution.
All you want to hear are bad things about this govt. much as we may have problems here and there most of the pipo are happy with this govt and they will vote for lungu. I know how you feel but this is real
..@peters….
….im sure with you all you want to hear are good things…..obviously any pro-PF would have the same thoughts as yours…even in a soccer match, a losing team may have had some highlights of the game but the bottom line or the fact still remains that they lost the game. The loss is a reflection of under performance despite having displayed some highlights….
…..is the general populous better off on 01.01.2016 than they were on 01.01.2015..??…or than they were in 2011..??……in terms of cost of living….or socially…????…is Zambia as a country better off…??….peters, if your response to those questions is affirmative, it would just confirm why there are civil wars here and there….
Saki you are just a very jealous man go Barotse land tell them how u ve bin stabling block to the BRE issue…
SAKAI SAYS DRAW UP YOU OWN REVIEW OF 2015: DESPITE UPND CLEARLY STATING THAT ONLY A TONGA CAN BE PRESIDENT OF UPND ON TWO OCCASIONS IN 2014 SAKWIBA SIKOTA SUCCESSFULLY REPRESENTED HAKAINDE HICHILEMA AGAINST VERY SERIOUS CASES OF TREASON; WHICH WERE INITIATED BY WYNTER KABIMBA WHOM UPND ARE TRYING TO CALL A GOOD MAN. SAKI HAS PROVED TO BE ABOVE PETTY POLITICS,
@ngana: Saki is always just a PAID agent – Gun for hire even by the Mafia bosses like the Ventriglias. That’s what makes Saki the King of the Dark Horses and Prince of the Underworld!! In fact it was Martha who successfully represented HH!
SAKI IS NOT JEALOUS COME ON GUYS; HE REPRESENTED HH IN 2014 ON SERIOUS CHARGES OF TREASON BROUGHT BY WYNTER KABIMBA
The way you are putting it as though it was pro bono. He was paid handsomely. The case didn’t go anywhere because after Wynter was fired he refused to appear in court to testify against HH.
The country will never progress in a million years if everything is viewed in the eyes of politics… and those that don’t belong your side of politics are always insulted and always wrong. Look yourself in the mirror and see if you are any better than the man you are condemning. Even a light moment satire is met with vendetta, as though the man has committed mnrder.
Where I live, during the Christmas festive season, political opponents put the political differences on the side and issue positive messages of love, health and happiness. Relax fellas and try to smile, even for a minute.
I recall last time Saki attempted satire, some people didn’t even realise that he was writing satire. You want to engage him on serious national issues, I’m sure he would love to hear from you.
Mr. Sikota where have you been? Kind of missed you for a while. Like you rightly put it that we ought to remember to make others smile by not concentrating on their wrongs but praising them on the good deeds. That way we shall encourage them to do good things.
VERY INTERESTING ARTICLE TO READ. I FOUND A LOT OF HUMOUR IN YOUR ACCURET SUMMING UP OF TRUE EVENTS. JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW A CIVILISED PERSON CAN POINT OUT FACTS IN A NICE WAY. ANYONE TAKING OFFENCE OF THIS ARTICLE IS JUST A FAULT FINDER. YOU SIR SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WRITER AS YOU HAVE A VIVID IMAGINATION OF DESCRIBING PEOPLE AND A LOT OF HUMOUR TOO. A HAPPY NEW YEAR SIR IT WAS REFRESHING TO READ YOUR ARTICLE.
nice article Saki, thanks!
Bloggers please reflect on what Mr Sakwiba wrote in his introduction; “Some of the highlights I HAVE OMITTED were TOO GRAVE OR SERIOUS FOR A LIGHTHEARTED PIECE LIKE THIS ONE”.
In my view Mr Sakwiba has indeed been satirical. If you recall the events leading to the nomination of Mr Chagwa Lungu as PF presidential candidate and compare with how HH was nominated as UPND presidential candidate I think the UPND case was very democratic but only spoiled by some tribal sentiments expressed by some individuals who have since left UPND and welcomed with both hands by PF. Still UPND members voted using secret ballot which was not the case with the show of hands in the case of Mr Chagwa Lungu. Have we not had tribal sentiments expressed in many presidential elections and still voted freely?…
So now the issue is whether UPND could’ve faired better under Mr Sakwiba? Mr Sakwiba refused to be led by HH and decided to teach HH a lesson by resigning from UPND to form ULP. The outcomes are there for everyone to see. Had Mr Sakwiba stayed in UPND both the party and Mr Sakwiba would have faired much better politically. To me hh has faired much better than Mr Sakwiba going by the performance of the parties they both lead. ULP and Mr Sakwiba have gone into political oblivion while HH and UPND almost scooped the Presidency in 2015.
So really for one to expect Mr Sakwiba to write an article that exposes the mistakes and failures of PF the only party that can meaningfully punish HH for causing Mr Sakwiba pain in 2006 would be expecting too much from any human being.
Well and accutely said saki…pf forever nafuti nifintu upto 2026 cikunyonge cikubabe
Very good article by Saki, sadly most Zambians do not have analytical minds to think clearly & digest what is written before going south to pour out what is not understood.