HH, Who ‘Secretly Talks’ to ECL versus HH, the Hired Cat That Catches Zambian Rats:

A Summary Reflection on the Presidential Press Briefing for 19th May 2023 By Dr. Chris Zumani Zimba

After closely watching the press briefing by our Republican President, HH, I carefully picked the following issues:

1. He repeatedly said Zambians must like him because he is “the good cat that catches rats in the house.”
2. “You may not like me, but I am the cat that catches the rats; you need me. Don’t focus on the color of the cat, whether blue, orange, white, or black, as long as it catches the rats,” he said.
3. To start with, I must commend our President (the cat) for creating time to address Zambians through the media. Yes, a good cat must report to its hosts and update them on how many rats it has killed so far.
4. At this press briefing, our journalists openly confirmed that the Zambian cat talks too much and enjoys traveling to other houses around the village but does less work.
5. To me, this was honest, patriotic, and courageous feedback for the Zambian cat to know and take note of. It’s a free and fair performance appraisal for the hired cat.
6. The hosts and villagers were simply saying the cat is not catching enough rats as expected, and the rats are now multiplying and tripling too fast, destroying house treasures and ornaments.
7. If the cat continues to believe that catching 2 or 3 rats per month is a good job, while the hosts want a cat that catches 2 to 5 rats per day since the house has thousands of rats, the cat risks eviction sooner or later.
8. While the cat was proudly hired by the host to fix the rat problem, the cat must know that it is not the first nor the last to work in this house. Six other cats have worked here.
9. And it is important for the cat to know that this house has too many rats, and previous hired cats were killing rats at a supersonic speed. Some previous cats are still celebrated in this house for the job they did compared to the new cat.
10. Today, these hosts want the new cat to catch and kill all the rats in the health sector because Zambians are dying from too many rat bites. It’s a true crisis.
11. How many rats has the newly hired Zambian cat killed in our hospitals and clinics so far? While the new cat could have employed doctors and nurses, there are no medicines to treat people and save their lives.
12. In the past, Zambians had hired cats who performed tremendously well in the health sector, including building hospitals and clinics in almost every district.
13. In the education sector, the new cat has done very well by killing many known rats, such as abolishing school fees and doubling enrollment rates. Here, the new cat has worked very well, just like the decentralization policy, which is on point, although with some teething problems.
14. But the new cat must never celebrate merely visiting UNZA or CBU as any meaningful achievement at its level. The previous cats built UNZA, CBU, Hone, Mulungushi, Levy, Makasa, etc., but never boasted in the house. The new cat is not the first one to introduce meal allowances at universities.
15. While the 20% partial NAPSA withdrawal is commendable, our new cat must know that this policy has backfired in South Africa.
16. In South Africa, there is now more poverty and vulnerability among such people than before, as many merely danced with the money and now curse the government.
17. While many Zambians want HH and ECL to openly meet, talk, reconcile, and unify the country, our good cat missed catching the rat and was talking about their ‘secret talks,’ which happened before the birth of Jesus Christ. The hosts want true political reconciliation, dialogue, and unity, Your Excellency!
18. In this house called Zambia, the hired cat must be reminded that there are thousands and millions of rats waiting for its services. Some rats are so big, some so deadly, and indeed some are viciously dangerous.
19. In the mining sector, the cat has done zero killings of those big and fat rats. The KCM, Mopani issues, and the big rats of tax holidays around mining investors are so annoying to everyone and may force the affected hosts to chase the cat in 2026.
20. Did the new Zambian cat say something about the flying of gay and lesbian flags by the EU, US, Sweden, Finland, Germany, etc., this week to celebrate homosexual day?
21. If our newly hired cat missed this Western offensive and deadly rat, then the Zambian cat is in trouble, and its days will be numbered in the house. The hosts want this rat caught and killed at once.
22. Generally, I have an impression that the cat does not understand the expectations of the hosts, although the cat over-promised to the hosts during job interviews and when entering the house.
23. So, the cat has forgotten that while it is catching rats, the rate at which it is doing the job is both worrisome and annoying to the hosts based on expectations.
24. Another problem is that this specific cat seems to be liked and praised more by neighbors in the UK, US, and France while being highly criticized by its hosts in Zambia for underperformance.
25. And the survival of the new cat in this house depends on the happiness and appraisal of Zambian hosts and has little or nothing to do with far neighbors overseas.
26. While 2026 seems far away, our newly hired cat must be reminded that the host is religiously monitoring and evaluating its performance without patience.
27. Next time, our hired cat must be informed that Zambians are not interested in graphs, statistics, and mathematical analysis of GDP and inflation rates. That’s not the big rat they want the cat to kill in the house.
28. The main deadly rats the hosts want to be brutally caught and urgently killed by the cat are the high cost of living, looming starvation and hunger, high fuel costs, high ZESCO and water bills, high dollar and Kwacha rates, high prices of mealie meal, maize, fertilizer, and less circulation of money in the economy.
29. Our hired cat must know that the IMF will not be the only and main solution to our debt crisis and economic malaise. It is a big hole the US and Europeans have made to trap and kill our cat and its hosts economically.
30. Therefore, let’s all remind and help our newly hired cat catch the most dangerous and wanted rat. Don’t put rat killer poison for now because we have hired a new cat.
31. Look, getting bigger shares in the mines and levying the right taxes on our minerals and underground mining resources must be a policy position our hired cat must prioritize to catch and kill most rats.
32. Zambians hired this cat to catch and root out these rats each day as they are in thousands and millions in the house. And the cat must know that its hosts called voters are so slippery, highly moody, and dangerously unreliable.

Dr Chris ZUMANI Zimba is a Political Scientist, Researcher, Author & Consultant specialized in Comparative Global Governance and Democratic Theories. He holds a PhD, MA, BA and Cert in Political Science. Zimba was President Lungu’s Political Advisor from December 2019 to August 2021.