Saturday, June 22, 2024

The Clueless Driver and a Competent Driver


The clueless driver revved the engine excitedly as the ear-splitting “Donchi Kubeba” song blared-out from antique speakers of the green bus! He reached for a bottle of Jameson from underneath his seat and thrust it in his mouth. He gave it 3 rapid swigs and slammed it on the rickety floor of the green bus. Half of its contents were gone!

His would be co-driver, a frail, bespectacled Muzungu with wrinkles etched on his ashen face looked at him reproachfully. The Muzungu was a long time associate of the late veteran driver of the green bus. No sooner had the much adored and respected veteran driver succumbed to the cold hand of death and went home to be with the Lord, the later a dog fight erupted! A horde of characters of different hues and shades, some with a scant knowledge about driving would step ahead and jostle for the position of driver of the green bus – Kilometers, Leopard, Fat Albert, Zayelo and Kalabash. Ironically, even the widow of the former driver alongside his son would equally join the fray!

“Order! Order!Older!” Agogo sprang to her feet as her scary eyes swept across the rolls of seats.

Instantly, there was pin-drop silence! Almost everyone was cowering in their seats. Agogo was reputed to have a fiery-temper. You dared cross paths with her at your own peril. Folks were particularly terrified by the tooth of an elephant she wore on her wrist. It was said to have mystical powers able to hypnotise even the greatest witch!

“Those in favour of the clueless driver navigating the bus on this treacherous journey, hands up!” She was in no compromising mood.

Almost all the hands shot up in the air!

“Those against the clueless driver?”

Kilometers raised his hand, albeit falteringly as the Muzungu slowly followed suit. This immediately trigered Agogo’s fuse to blow off! She was hyperventilating as she tried to steady herself. How dare someone would’ve the guts to question her authority! She nodded to the hoodlums at the rear of the bus in muscle T/shirts which revealed their impressive biceps. The goons found their way to the front and unceremoniously ejected Kilometers and the Muzungu from the bus as the rest boisterously chanted, “pamaka!”

With the pain in the neck well out of the way, the clueless driver had a field day doing whatever he wanted! He whipped the bus from the highway and raced it on a crater bedevilled gravel road. The green bus dangerously swayed hither and thither as worn-out shocks creaked and squeaked in protest. Pedestrians scampered for safety as the bus perilously made its way to no particular destination. Unfortunately, goats, ducks, village chickens and pigs that found themselves on the road scrounging for food were reduced to mince meat.

As a toddler suddenly appeared on the road, the clueless driver made a sharp turn and ploughed through the flourishing fields of cassava and maize as the thugs cheered and whistled excitedly!

After much ado, the clueless driver managed to stablise the bus and safely steered it back on the road. It rolled at a descent speed for quite a while. As it approached a steep slope though, the clueless driver increased speed. It exhausted excessive plumes of dark smoke which wafted into the air and found its way into the houses where folks slept, soundly. Chocked by the gaseous smoke, they staggered out of their houses gasping for fresh air! A few of them succumbed to death while a couple of others fainted.

As a lynch mob organised themselves and blocked the main road to vent out their anger, the clueless driver changed course and headed west, to the Barotse plains for chimpwena looking. He immediately spotted the familiar red bus from Bweengwa under the stewardship of Kachema AKA the competent driver, ahead of him. He honked furiously and signaled it to pave way for him, but to no avail as Kachema’s driving skills were unparalleled in the nation.

“He’ll pay for it….” the clueless driver vowed.

In the wee hours of the next day, the clueless driver drove to Community House where Kachema resided. Thugs from the green bus disguised in police uniforms smashed the windows and brought down the doors, brazenly. They squeezed the nuts of his security guards and ordered them to show them where Kachema was hiding. They extracted him from the basement and dumped him into the dungeon at Mukobeko where the condemned prisoners who had murdered people are kept.

With Kachema no longer in sight to impede his movements, the clueless driver went to town disregarding all the rules! He drove to BOZ under the cover of darkness and rammed through the security barriers. His thugs stormed the vault and looted all the cash and went to replenish their Jameson and splurge it on their side chicks.

The clueless driver woke up with a splitting headache the next day. He had a terrible hangover……he couldn’t remember how many bottles of Jameson he had imbibed as he entertained Faith the previous night. He decided to drive to Soweto market to buy his favourite imintesa. As he was leaving the market, he overheard some marketeers complaining about the way he went about driving his green bus… whispers, of course for fear of being bludgeoned to death by his thugs. He wasn’t impressed at all. He drove back in the wee hours of the day and set the market ablaze as punishment!

When The Past Newspapers and Premium TV continued reporting about the manner he was recklessly driving the bus around under the influence of alcohol, he was livid! He drove to their offices one quiet afternoon and razed them to the ground.

As he set off from Nkwazi House, his residence, one early morning, the red bus suddenly joined the main road.

“Who the hell let Kachema on the loose?” he was seething with anger. “He’s supposed to be rotting in jail!”

He squeezed the accelerator hard on the floor as he made a feeble attempt to overtake the red bus. Apparently, Kachema had spent a good amount of time repairing and servicing red bus while in the dungeon. It wasn’t a match for the green bus…….it fired on all the cylinders as it easily overcame hills and cruised smoothly. As the clueless driver still tried to force the ancient green bus to run much faster, against the counsel of Agogo of course, one of the front tyres snapped and flew off! He lost control of his green bus and plunged into a ditch as the boring Alebwelelapo song ebbed away from the loud speakers.

By Prince Bill M. Kaping’a
Political/Social Analyst


  1. From just the title, I could tell that it was the usual dog barking to please its master.


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