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Alba Iulia
Monday, July 26, 2021

Finding Mr. or Mrs. Right

Headlines Finding Mr. or Mrs. Right

As we approach our late 20s or early 30s we want to find that special someone we can settle down with. The dating game can be daunting at times especially when you‘ve burnt your fingers before. There’s talk that Zambian girls are complicated and on the other hand Zambian guys are players. Well it’s usually not wise to profile people like that, but to know what you are looking for in a person and ask specific questions. So what should you really be asking on dates? Talking about the weather, the latest movie and the other superficial topics discussed on dates isn’t going to help us determine whether this person is going to make a good spouse. When asking questions, you have to listen for subtleties, make simple inferences and watch for patterns. While they are good predictors, these indications are far from 100 percent accurate, so you have to rely on all the information available — your observations of tone, body language and behavior. And trust your own instincts.

The following are four critical areas of interest:(can be applied by men too!)

1.Will he marry me or is he commitment-phobic?
In order to find out the answer to this question, you will have to ask indirect, questions that will allow the man to reveal his thoughts on marriage without panicking. Some areas to ask about are:
• His social life:
When asking about his social life, you are listening for whether or not he makes excessive use of the word we – meaning him and his group of friends. A guy, who uses the word “I” a lot, is in a different space than a guy who is constantly saying “we.” “If you are talking to somebody immersed in the “we” mode, you’re not talking to somebody who is likely to make a commitment to you.
• His past:
“The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior.” Ask him how long he has been at his job, in his career, living in one place, and had his car. Has he ever been in a committed relationship before? For how long? Weave these questions into the conversation, and take note of the answers.
• His key people:
Ask him about his parents, siblings, other respected adults and closest friends to see whether their experience with commitment has been good or bad. What has he observed from their relationships? “This is critically important information because those are associations in his head. Those are the role models and influencers who are likely to mold his values and influence his views about committed relationships.
• 2. Will he be a loving and nurturing father?
Ask and pay attention to the following areas:
• His family legacy:
Find out what kind of relationship he had with his parents, especially his father. How often does he talk to and visit them? How does he prioritize the events that are happening in his family? “While he looks to his mother as the model for the mother of his own children, he considers his father’s behavior as a standard of how the man of the house should behave. Pay close attention to how he perceives his father’s or stepfather’s role as a parent.
• His reactions:
One idea is to take your date to a restaurant with a lot of families and kids making noise, to see how he reacts to the children. Or, introduce him to your friends who have children.
• His general ideas on parenting:
Ask him the following questions or bring up situations that generate answers to them or observations about them, to see what kind of parent he aspires to be. What responsibility should a parent take for the misbehavior of a child? Were you ever bullied? How would you treat a child who hurt himself or herself or was ill?
The answers to these questions will demonstrate the type of parenting style he admires and intends to follow.
3. Will he treat me well?
Use some of the observations you’ve already made to figure out what kind of husband the guy will make, and analyze the following areas:
• His family background:
One of the questions you want answered is how his father treated his mother and how he treats his mother. Also, ask questions about how his parents got along. The kind of home the man came from will determine his behavior in a future home.
• Interpersonal behavior:
How does he behave with you? Does he listen to what you say to him? Are your thoughts and feelings important to him? Can he share in both your misery and your happiness?
• His relationships with women:
Look at his relationships with the women in his life – his coworkers, sisters, and friends. Does he have female friends?
4. Does he have any major flaws?
The following questions will help you determine if you are dealing with a man of integrity or with a man who will become a nightmare. To see how well-balanced a guy is, take note of the following:
• His attitude toward his relationships:
Does he have any chips on his shoulder from past relationships or family members? “If he has a sense of entitlement, that is a dead giveaway that this guy is trouble.”
• Destructive habits:
Does the guy drink too much, chain smoke, or use drugs? “Normally self-destructive people do not limit their damaging behavior to themselves.
• Moral issues:
Watch out for consistent patterns of behavior. Does he often tell white lies? How does he react to not getting his way? “Left unchecked, character flaws tend to get worse, not better, so you need to be really clear about your zero-tolerance policy.”
Remember also that he’s going to put his best foot forward when you’re around, so you may want to watch him from a slight distance to keep your vision from being distorted by emotions. Bring him to a party and watch him from afar. Collect feedback from friends and family who have interacted with him.
• His resume:
What is his level of education? How successful is he in work? How successful is he in terms of the goals he wants to obtain? Be on the lookout for a pattern of failure.
• His values:
Ask him questions like: If he could change something he did in his life, what would it be? Is he religious or spiritual? Does he fulfill promises? Does he show up for commitments?
• His moods:
A person’s real character comes out when they feel bad. How does he act when he’s feeling low? How does he respond to you when you’re in a bad mood? Does he have patience? How do you argue and how do you resolve conflict?
If you want to learn quickly about the guy you’re dating, these lines of questioning and observations will get you there. Not only will talking about things that matter advance the relationship at a record pace, but it will distinguish you in his mind as a substantive individual. These questions open meaningful topics and help you see which men meet your agenda. They also help you find out intimate details about his life. Remember, act natural and don’t make it an oral exam. Start by mentioning something about your life and show some vulnerability, and then ask him some of these questions. If you listen, just listen, not only will he tell you exactly how to close the deal, but will help you figure out whether it’s a deal you want to make in the first place.

Adapted from Lovesmart by Dr. Phil Mcgraw

32 COMMENTS

  1. Hey,

    Mr right and mrs right don’t exist, that is why we have got cheating in marriages and divorce today on the increase.

    What I know is that, there is only Mr Close or mrs close, Mr almost and mrs almost.

    The only Mr right i know is the Lord Jesus Christ, and when you accept him,turn away from your sins, you became Mr and ms right in Christ.

  2. This article should have been named finding Mr Right. It has nothing to do with finding mrs right. Maybe a part 2 could fix this.

    Secondly, general profiling is actually safe to follow. Then someone could follow some of these ideas put forward here.

  3. hey mac-canada, i think you may have been in a bad relationship so i urge you to look beyond your boundaries and realise that there is someone meant for you.

  4. In as much as people are encouraged to FIND mr or mrs right, let them also be encouraged to BE mr or mrs right.

  5. Try Ehamony.com …dating is complicated .people are sofisticated, i think people should start hiring professionals to try and help the find their match.

  6. THIS IS ALL TOO SYMPLISTIC AND THEREFORE USELESS ADVICE. DOESNT EVEN COME CLOSE TO 1%. PERSONALITY/CHARACTER IS A VERY FLUID CONCEPT AND PEOPLE OSCILLATE, IN UNPREDICTABLE PATTERNS, BETWEEN DIFFERENT POINTS ON A CONTINUUM OF WHATEVER VARIABLES YOU MAY TRY TO MEASURE.

    THERE’S NO KNOWN METHOD FOR MEASURING THE ‘QUALITY’ OF A FUTURE SPOUSE.

  7. I think it is true that a son of a womaniser will himself become a womaniser or the son of a wife beater(batterer) will himself become one.There are exceptions ofcourse but ladies lets dig more about their family backgrounds!

  8. hey guys lets not be too hard on mac-canada. let us just take this article in pespective. i guess what he was trying to do is to lay down certain general sign posts which can help in finding a mate. this is not to say this is the only way we can find a made. it is just a guide line. remembers, there are many ways of killing a rate. so hats off to you mac-canada

  9. hey guys lets not be too hard on mac-canada. let us just take this article in pespective. i guess what he was trying to do is to lay down certain general sign posts which can help in finding a mate. this is not to say this is the only way we can find a made. it is just a guide line. remembers, there are many ways of killing a rat. so hats off to the author

  10. Try it and you will be disappointed. While very few children are being taught love and respect in interpresonal relations its crazy to suggest that these things are genetic. Children of pastors are among the most notorious bitches around. Women and to a lesser extent men pretend too much in courtship.
    Its a guideline to failure.

  11. well Chela,with pastors these days divorcing and remarrying ofcourse their kids are notorious bitches as you put it.Just because someone calls himself pastor and stands in front of a pulpit on sundays ,doesn’t make him a moral compass.you don’t know what happens behind closed doors.Our role models whether we like it or not are our parents.If they didn’t do things right we owe it to ourselves to better our own lives.That takes far more energy and its actually easier to do things the way they did them.After all thats all we know.People from broken homes are more likely to also have their own broken families,not because they are bad people but because they have been exposed to mistrust their whole lives and its hard for them in turn trust peolple.Its only a natural defensive mechanism on their part.

  12. In an african and Zambian culture dating is new thing and if anything a western style. So be careful the way you describe and give the guidelines. The ideas are brilliant but know also that same faiths/denominations in dating help minimize some of those question/problems. Dating has been commercialized in mordern Zambia and so is marriage there by departing from the true absolute values that can serve and build an everlasting marriage. Prayer is the key to finding Mr. Right and Ms Right. You have got to be right your self.

  13. Thank you guys for understanding my point,by the way Manny, I have a very wonderful wife and a daughter and we try by all means to live under Gods marriage standerds.

    My point was that, Many people say, the are waiting or looking for Mr and Mrs right as a result they go from one relatioship to another, changing womens from one month to another and yet they don’t find Mr and Mrs Right, that is why I said, you can only find Mr or Mrs close and Mr and Mrs almost there.

    Now when you get that, that is what you can develope into Mrs or Mr Right and this can only happening through the life standerds of accepting the Lord Jesus Christ, which brings the fear of the Lord in ones life.

    i hope you will now get my point.

    May the Lord bless you and help you find a good mate if you are looking! only God can give you the best.

  14. I read comments 1 – 14. So far I may agree with comment 13 by Kelvin. However the best of all was No.6 by Peter. He tried to explain something people may not understand, in his language that may be called “entropy”. Thats exactly the meaning of marriage, no one can tell you what it means and how to find love. If you need to, just marry and live your life to the fullest. Avoid all these advices, who are we to advice you anyway? And if God can help you, let him do so.

  15. #6 & 15 i like your perceptions, & think they are closer to the truth more than any advice anyone would want to propound. Finding a partner, & going on to get married is a whole new ocean to navigate, simply becoz the variables involved have’t been experienced by anyone else before, circumstances involved are all too new and fluid. Thus instead of having high hopes, take it as a challenge, expect highs and lows, try to have a relationship and lead a life that makes both of you happy, as you learn about each other every new day. Believing the generalisations that people give , will only lead to disappointment!

  16. Us men have become too carefull when it comes to selecting a soul mate. If a lady doesnt adhere to the advice below and doesnt find a mate dont say I didnt warn you.

    1. Dont impose yoursef on a man, we need room but at the same time dont be too closed up. By design we like to chase and not to be chased. We want to be the hunter not the hunted.

    2. Dont talk about committment too early, it scares us. It makes us wonder what else we will be committed to apart from you.

    3. Though this is very far fetched in women, we want women who also listen and not only talk, talk, talk. When u talk a lot we fail to distinguish you from an irritating mosquito on ones ear when seeking sleep.

    4. Even as you are down to earth, less talkative and the like we want you to be sexually attractive. This has got nothing to do with beauty. If you dont want to wear sexy underwear like lingerie and g-strings, dont blame me if I dont find u attractive.

    Because am limited by space I will end here.

  17. I agree with points 1,2 & 3 easy E.But a g- string in June or winter is anaza! Any tips on how a gal can still look sexy in winter anybody?

  18. Bwalya, I may be a g-string fan but of course I understand in june it is too cold for you ladies. As for what else you can wear in june I think am the wrong person to ask because I may end up suggesting a g-string with a lot of fur because am too much in love with g-strings.

  19. ha ha g-string with fur! we will be smiling all day and not because of the sweet nothings whispered to us but the tickly fur!

  20. Has any of u guys seen how our friends of asian origin love family. Go to Arcades or Manda Hill or any eating place, you will rarely find a mwenya eating alone.

    Most Zambian ladies especilly the married would want us Zambian men to emulate the mwenyes. But u seen How can I know family when I was raised by mother alone. I have grown up fending for myself. Everything I have I have fought for. I have Inherited nothing from my father. If I dont take u out alot like the mwenyes do its not that I dont want. Its only its a strange phenomonon to me.

    Bwalya, your comments.

  21. EasyE,its tough being raised by a single parent but don’t let your woman pay for your fathers sins.You can change your personality.the saying “efyo naba” (excuse my spelling)is a misconception.You can change your ways.People are not born engineers but they learn engineering thru study etc same way you can learn how to be a family man.Start a new history so your kids one day will say my dad spent time with us and he really loved my mother. Howz that?

  22. Daddy can really Love mummy without doing it the Mwenye way. Come on Bwalya, Yes Engineers are not born but made. However to be an engineer, you need to start from Grade one untill you reach fifth year at the Copperbelt University. How do you start engineering at the age of employment? Yes I can learn but not so fast. And if I dont,dont u think its not my fault?

    There is one thing in life which is a big paradox to women yet as easy as ABC to men.

    A woman will want you to spend more time with her and at the same time make enough money for the family. The laws of physics dictate that these two cannot be done at the same time. Its either you make more money and spend less time with family or vice-versa.

    So Bwalya which one is which? More money for more fashion and shopping and less time together OR more time together minus fashion and shopping ?

    Dont tell me both coz u women are like kids who cry for the moon even when they know its not possible to have it.

  23. Life easy E is about balance.The happiest people are those who have learnt how to juggle life issues.You may not be able to do everything at once but spread things over time.This month you may have to work long hours next month you may have to spare abit more time for the family. When I was a kid my dad would once in a while take us to Makoma dam.I don’t think it happenned that often but when it did it was special and those are the memories I’ve carried into adulthood.I don’t even remember the boring weekends he wasn’t around.
    Put more energy in the important things in life.People are important.People will mourn for you when you die far much more than when that designer dress stops fitting!Chill out and enjoy the wife of your youth.

  24. Wow, Your response Bwalya? typical mindset of a woman. When I read your response I hear my wife speaking coz you women are all the same. You just have different faces so men can distinguish one from the other.

    You see unlike family, business opportunities are not always there. If both were in abundance then your advice would very much suffice.

    If you miss a business opportunity today, chances are that you will never see again.

    Yes family is important and we will always make time for family but if family coincide with a business opportunity its only prudent that business takes precedent unless we dont need the money.

  25. EasyE dont trust ba Mwenye way, those people have complete authority over their women. Mwenye men dont like to get along with other people. They have these religions where they follow absolute commitement, its like Zambian women 40 years ago when they were so commited. Remember those stupid Traditional rules, when the husband dies his brother can have his wife remember? Well guess what? thats how this women are too, some are forced to live in complete ignorance, or else she will start mis behaving. Sorry but ba Mwenye are ******

  26. I really find it difficult to believe that the quest for a Mr. Right is painstaking. Maybe its the approach women adopt that makes its difficulty to find a soul mate. I have had female friends nearing their thirties asking me to hook them up to any of my single male friends if any.

    However,its only a fact that the older you grow as a woman the lesser the chances of getting your dreamman. Best friendships are usually built when people are younger because as a young person there are less issues to consider in making a decision as to who your Mr. Right should be, but as we grow older we become more careful and consider a number things.

    Therefore, its a fact that older single women will find it difficult to find a soul mate unless they stop being too choosy. Women’s bargaining power reduces with age.

    Unfortunately, naturally women are dreamers, no wonder they all want to get married to a man of their dreams.

  27. My dream man has dumped me. He couldnt pay for a taxi fare after he had picked up some chic. My dreams are empty.

  28. Mr or Miss right aight?How do you tell if they are the right one?
    Nowardays it is like people just have this feeling under their pants and thats it.The safest sex is abstenance,don´t let them do it,for we are all independent.

  29. i dont think its easy to find the right person for you so you might just give it a shot on who ever you bliv in,coz pipo like have searched too long for this pipo

  30. My most beloved believers and Brothers in Christ,
    I am sending you my greetings of love to you, your family member, your friends and your church members. I am thanking God to give me the opportunity to speak to you through this letter.
    I am living the slum area in a look village. The people here are uneducated and poor. God appointed me to preach the gospel in this area. I have wife and 3 children. I am feeding my family with hardship but God has given me some orphan children to me. I joined them in School but I cannot supply food for them, sometimes the children going to beg on account of lack of food. This affair I am sending into your heart. So please pray about their needs, financial troubles of the children.
    In the connection of heavy cyclone and flood. We have to faced may…

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