Children are surely a blessing from God but rarely do people think about how their relationship may change after the birth of a baby.
Researchers have identified the transition to parenthood as one of the most challenging milestones in a relationship. The birth of a child can bring couples together or push them apart.
Some couples in distress believe that having a baby may bring them closer and help them resolve differences. That is a big mistake – and mainly because the relationship may not be able to withstand the stress that comes with a new baby. Although couples who start off on shaky ground are more at risk for drifting apart after the birth of a child, couples who start off in a secure relationship, may also falter under the tremendous stress of parenthood. Becoming parents as well as partners will make a difference to your relationship. Couples who adjust to parenthood find their relationship is enriched and a great source of strength and support for the demands of parenthood.

Ideally a couple should develop effective communication patterns before they decide to parent. Discuss what traditions and values are important for you and your baby. Define your roles in the house. Who is going to help the kids with homework? Is dad going to help bathe the kids or put the kids to bed for instance.

If your relationship is on the rocks try these tips:

1. Write down a list of all the reasons you chose your partner.

2. Tell your partner why you appreciate him or her.

3. Don’t watch TV on selected evenings and turn off the computer.

4. Ask your partner for help and be specific.

5. Each write down a list of little practical things that would make you feel loved.

6. Hold hands while you resolve a conflict.!

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    50 COMMENTS

    1. yah, women should not “trap” their boyfriends by becoming pregnant and hoping this will cement the relationship, from what I’ve seen it never works.

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    2. Inonge this article seems to be talking about people that are living together or even married. Not your version of boyfriend in Africa where the couple are living separately or the man may even be married.
      So, do you think a childless marriage or longterm cobahitation is good for a relationship. I wonder!

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    3. george you see what happens is a girl gets pregnant and the guy is forced to marry her.They do this thinking their relationship can only get better since they have this strong bond ie a child.However,such set-ups rarely succeed. Ofcourse a childless marriage is not the best if the couple are not barren.Having kids is probably another phase in the relationship which shouldn’t be feared.

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    4. inonge in the west its normal for couples not having children. Almost all couples between 25 to 55 have no children. Career is more important than having children that is why they have a problem of an aging generation. Very soon they will be few people living europe because of this phenomion. A child is seen last and lose of freedom. Pipo die like dogs in the west because they are lonely.If you not barren Inonge its time to have one or two children because the biological hour is tick.Or else you start looking for artificial insermination. Remember a child is gift from God and your genes continue living in you. If you dont have a stable man start now to look for one before its too late.

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    5. well since theres artificial insemination available its not going to be too late. Besides I could always adopt.If stable men grew on trees I’ld be a good climber by now. But as it is good single men are as common as hens teeth!

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    6. Easy, I cant agree with your assertions: “Almost all couples between 25 and 55 are childless.” Thats just factually incorrect. Ageing is resulting from better living standards, massively improved medical technology(Ariel Sharon is technically still alive!) and lower fertility, of course.
      The organization of western capitalist society is such that each individual is an ‘economic island’ and has to look after themselves. It’s tough for the aged, but the opposite is what we have in Africa where cultural norms ensure that older children and extended generation relatives still depend on a few providers. We probably like it that way, but they are definitely happier and the stats show they live longer and happier!

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    7. So Inonge, parents should stop telling their daughters that your husband will take care of you even if you dont get an education. Women can have a child with someone and not necessarily marry him-if he proves to be a stupid partner. But they’ll only do this if they are economically independent.

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    8. george I believe a husband should take care of a wife no matter what her educational background is.The best case scenario is to have a proper family, I was responding to easy who was unwittingly reminding me my biological clock was ticking.I’m not going to throw myself in the arms of the next man who knocks on my door because I’m getting on in years.

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    9. Inonge,

      Tis good to see that there are sisters like you around! You are better off single than to be in abusive or unfulfilling relationship, or a dangerous one in view of HIV/AIDS. I know of many single women with children whose fathers have deserted them and they have ended up bieng a burden on relatives. Taking care of a partner goes beyond material provisions. Any woman no matter how educated or financially content would want to be in a supportive relationship. Babies are important. but they need supportive and stable parents. The marriege relationship is the ideal, but only if it is a happy marriage.

      So inonge, be patient and wait for your man. But if it is children you want, you are right, you could always adopt. There is always a child somewhere, an orphan maybe, who is in need of a loving parent. If white celebrities from the west can adopt black children in Africa, why can we not do it for own kind? Aside from my own two kids, I have adopted 2.

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    10. Those tips above are mills and boon tips. They don’t work. No wonder am one of the people who advocate for very few children. For me one is enough or maybe two for the sake of my wife. Yes children are a blessing from God but I dont think its wize to be over blessed.

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    11. Those tips above are mills and boon tips. They don’t work. In fact those work if you don’t have problems.No wonder am one of the people who advocate for very few children. For me one is enough or maybe two for the sake of my wife. Yes children are a blessing from God but I don’t think its wise to be over blessed.

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    12. Inonge, your comment on #1 may not be very tru, it does works SOMETIMES. Its not right to say it NEVER works. Though it may not be the best strategy to get a man to marry you. Some pipo have succeeded in this.

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    13. au contraire ethel! I’m having the time of my life. I was dating a ka nice guy but he was so insecure however I’m happy and free. I’m just not going to bend backwards for anyone again.

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    14. Inonge you should know what you want in life then you can mostly like meet Mr. Right. Try and error is will be painful.

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    15. easyE where are you? I used to enjoy your comments.Bring some insight to these confused girls or is it ladys.

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    16. Inonge, there are also guys right there also waiting for the right girl. If you continue to behave well and demostrate that you are a potential good housewife, Mr. Right will appear at your door. You do not need to bend backwards to find Mr.Right. You need to be patient as this takes time. I come from a family having many females and it pains me to see how some are suffering as they just picked a man wearing a trousers without paying attention to details. In my language there is a proverb which says that if you need beads, you need to be patient and keep the neck. So Inonge keep the neck.

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    17. Inonge is right with #1. She is also very sensible with the way she conducts her life, it’s a pity the state of the world is as it is now, quite some fate, you just have to live thru it the best you can.

      The article above also alludes to why pipo go on to have kids, hoping it will increase the bonding, but very much to the contrary – the advice above is good, learn to talk to your partner, don’t just follow what your peer groups advise – becoz they don’t relate to the person you love/live with.

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    18. bauze, good analytical skills you have. I see you have an IQ between 110 -119.
      Mulenga, thank you for your advise. It is hard going against the crowd, especially when the crowd includes alot of relatives from the village who are thinking perhaps I should consider an arranged marriage!

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    19. #21 Inonge am flattered, don’t know what to say, can only wonder as to how you measured it!

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    20. We have the power to creat our own reality so live your life as you wish. Any choice that one makes in life has it’s consquences. Children can either drive you apart or bond you together and that depends on the relationship and what is agreed apon. If one in a relationship feels it’s not the right time to have children please do not be force to have them. It’s all about communication and I don’t mean telepathy and remember that both parties have a responsbility towards oneother ie taking care of each other.

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    21. Inonge I believe you when you say you are enjoying the time of your life. Please dont let it slip you by. You do have the power even to choose, the only problem is finding the RIGHT MAN, try and stick to one wrong one and make him right believe me it works. Also you sound pretty both inside and outside. Good luck.

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    22. oh gee now I am flattered.However dearest,having been around guys alot( I have a truck load of brothers) I don’t think a woman can change a man.Nagging or bugging them to change just irritates them.But when you give them freedom to choose to change in their time I think they do change.I am keeping my distance from wrong men I’ve had enough of them.They are some nice “cyberguys ” here though….

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    23. #25 Inonge.com these cyberguys are wolves in sheeps clothing, just take your time, if I may ask how old are you?To me you appear to be in that age where women start panicking about finding someone to share the rest of their lives.Just developm positive thinking and you will achieve what you want.Ethel’s strategy could have worked in her case but its not the best option,bad habits die hard, at one point the chap will go back to his habits.

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    24. don’t worry kuku, I’m not foolish enough to start something over the internet besides as important as it is to connect with someone intellectually, you need the physical attraction too.I’m 26 plus or minus 4years! Its not that women panick its just that you reach an age where you get ‘broody’.You admire babys,you find baby clothes so cute.and yes you want that prince charming to share your life with.So since once in a while you go on lusakatimes and vent out your frustration not desperation.theres a difference.

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    25. Inonge, that is foolishness, what type of error is that, Plus or minus 4 years of 26. I can only assume you are 30 looking at your concern. I can also assume you feel should have clang to that man you had at 22 almost your age. Since now you are financially secure you regret leaving him for the KUKU type and want to claim there are few good single men out there.
      Come on my girl.. There are plenty of young men out there who are just cutting their young careers with an empty house and a full brain. Going for the KUKU’s and Easy who are already upscale will only land you on ladder number 26, pregnant you and if u r not strong, seek some services of a crazylike Doc.HK.

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    26. Inonge you shoud avoid Dr. HK he is dangerous we had to bring sanity to him because he wanted to continue murdering innocent and defenceless children because he fears to be unemployed. Such a Dr. is a disgrace to society and once he enters Zambia we are sending to Mukobeko for his trocities. Thank God most of them are of white original.

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      • Jul29 henryAh I love it. I’ve always imieangd myself growing up to be a General Iroh kind of character. Guess we can play a game of Pai Sho and drink tea. ;)Reply

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    27. #28 seems to revel in what he does – “crazylike doc” – indeed. It has always been said that people who end up in medical school nowadays are driven by different motivations, many have just heard about the hippocratic oath & never bothered to look it up. I’d want to believe, many take up medicine to serve fellow beings, whilst a few, its sadly for money.

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    28. How can the age of one individual have an error distribution around it? Either Inonge is 22 or 30, it cant be a random variable.

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    29. You see, Bamano Ba George has spoken, The age range between upper and lower limit is too large. Each sample in that range has different behavior exhibition based on desires and experience.
      As we can only assume, Inonge’s age is in the upper quartile of the sample looking at problems she exhibit.
      I have diagonalized psychological boyfriend withdrawals and dynamic defensive mechanism built on rejection and self pity. She could even be reaching her decline in ovulation and she does not want to blame herself on past relationship failures.
      If I was to give you free advise, I would tell you to stay away from Bamimbulu like Easy and bauze.. They are hyenaz.

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    30. #Inonge, Bauze has an IQ of a house fly- as calculated by IQ.com. Just check his previous posts.

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    31. HK which rehab did you escape from? One does not ‘diagonalize’ chisunga chamusango shani? What is a psychological boyfriend? Don’t use big words whose meanings you don’t know. You are funny, the little psychology I know tells me theres no such thing as a dynamic defense mechanism.Anyway have fun with the Queens language!

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    32. Sori Sis, the trueth hurts.. Just go fix your life, there is plenty of time. 30 is not such a big number! Coming from a rehab and face reality is much better than endulge in daylight nigtmares and hallucinations.
      Pa chisungu, nshikwete spell checker.
      Sis, HK is original, he does not to quote any scholar. I just coined that one. Dynamic, means moving..Just like when shooting a moving target. If the target is moving steadily or random in a predictle or iterable mode, We can call the the target dynamic. You just need to device an algorithm to predict its instantenous position to aim at it. I guess Defensive is simple:Ukusola: I wont bother about boyfriend def, u confessed you have had many.
      Basically, you have a ghost or shadow of you past behaviour and as self healing process you want to shift the blame and find excuse..Shhaaaaaaaaaa

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    33. hey man I said I have many brothers not many boyfriends.I come from a family of 8 boys.most of whom are older than I so I have learnt alot about male behaviour.I have had only 2 boyfriends in my adult existence not counting the guy I had a crush on at age 14.The last relationship lasted 4 years but was long distance so that didn’t work.So I’m not the loose, desperate girl you think I am. If I was do you think I’ld have the confidence to talk to you funny blokes on this blog.I celebrate my birthday every leap year, so my age is debatable!

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    34. #37 Inonge, Based on your post, I am hereby withdrawing my comments temprorary.The diagnosis was based on pseudorandom bahaviorer detection.

      However stay away from Easy and his sweet amorous words, you need a microscope to plot his IQ using a logarithimic chart, Zeroed at near below acceptable human intelliegence to conduct a reasonable research.

      I hope we make you laugh..Dont take offence..this is part of therapy given to some of us at that Rehab you mentioned.

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    35. Huhu inonge hot stuff I mentioned earlier on our doc is mistrious, hyperpotic, lunatic, insane, mad, full of anger and frastrulation in life. So you see playing around with someone from chainama or any rehab retarded clinic can lead you in trouble. Dr.HK is sick. Iam happy that he has withdrawn his comments. Even I with my age I never realise that popi who are born on the 29 of Febraury dont celebrate their birthday every year. I can to know this this year because my friend to me about his kid. Just a few hints in life which can make you feel proud of yourself. We men say a woman is either 18 or 30 yrs. Mwandini I dont need IQ as Dr.HK has said but I Have 5 + one sence and I think this is enough. Where i cannot I seek advice. I can only tell you that being a parent is something wonderful as long as you can manage it. Children they can bring happiness and life fullfillment you feel live you realise it is worth livng.

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    36. hk now you are trying to impress me with your maths there I can’t argue.Please take Easy with you to rehab, I couldn’t understand his last posting and I don’t like the phrase “hot stuff”.

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    37. i have a child with a woman and we have been staying together for 4 years. We plan to get married but our affair has been rocky of late. She has another child with an ex-husband and this child has come to stay with us. The problem here is that the child is naught and every time there are issues of his discpline, she calls the ex. This is not an issue of insecurity because she left the ex for me. My point is i do not like these calls because i think since he does not pay child support, he should have nothing to do with our household. He sent his son over to stay with the mother. When i raise these issue, she claims she is doing so because i do not love her son like i do mine. The boy is 12 years and our son is 4. Am i overeacting here? This is breaking us up

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    38. Thats a tough situation.However, you are head of that house and your position should be respected.If the biological father wants to discipline his son he should take him and raise him.Ofcourse, you don’t love him like you do your own thats a fact but thats not the reason your wife should be calling the ex.Its like inviting another man into your home to help you make decisions.Talk to your woman in a calm setting.Shes undermining you.good luck.Its the risk you took marrying someone with extra baggage.

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    39. 42# I think what you can do is show some more love to the 12 yr old boy so that your girl friend can have confidence in you providing Manly leadership and parentship to both ‘sons’ you have in your life. I think this strategy will ensure that your girl friend will call upon you more and more to be fatherly and less and less of the exhubby. All the best mate!

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    40. I am reminded of a pastor who told a story that when his sone was born, he was crying most of the time and only stopped when he was put on his mothers laps. This bothered the man so much that he became jelousy and decided to write a book for this newly born baby boy. The title of the book is what interests me. here it is:

      “WHAT YOU MUST REALISE IS THAT THE PERSON YOU CALL YOUR MOTHER, IS MY WIFE!!”

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    41. unfortunetly we have decided to separate and see how things work out.I offered to do as advised but she was adamant the man be involved.

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    42. sorry meme for your separation.Perhaps its for the best.Just be careful with these women with complex histories.

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    43. Meme,
      seems that woman is not Zambian not that Zed women behave like that. I can tell that you are not in Zed and you are probably dealing with baby father drama?

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