My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman

———————————————————————

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
-Rodney Dangerfield

———————————————————————

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s
wrong.
-Milton Berle

———————————————————————

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
“There was water in the carburetor.”
I asked her, “Where’s the car?”
She replied, In the lake.”
-Henny Youngman

———————————————————————

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman

———————————————————————

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You
know, I was a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn’t notice.”

———————————————————————

When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.

———————————————————————

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t
like to interrupt her.

———————————————————————
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
———————————————————————

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to report it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.

———————————————————————

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.

———————————————————————

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?”
The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still
paying.”

———————————————————————

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a Man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

———————————————————————

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too
late.

———————————————————————

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: “You can have mine.”

———————————————————————

A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a
millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the
friend.
“A billionaire.” she replied

———————————————————————

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

———————————————————————

It’s not true that married men live longer than single
men. It only seems longer.

———————————————————————

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.

———————————————————————

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go
through life Thinking they had no faults at all.

———————————————————————

A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.

———————————————————————

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double
of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I’m half
dead.”

———————————————————————

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

———————————————————————

The most effective way to remember your wife’s
birthday is to forget it once.

[Read 35 times, 1 reads today]
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81 COMMENTS

  1. Good one #1. Its good love, all the time, not just on a predefined date. If you are for valentines, I’d encourage you check the origin of the tradition. Don’t just do it because every one is. Just because they are all doing it does not mean you should!

    I regard this valentines thing as childish play. Thats me, you don’t have to feel the same.

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  2. LT you are great, thanks for sweet jokes/wise parables on Valentines day, we love you be my Valentine!!! Those with different opinion we respect you and pls respect ours as well.

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  3. People ……..pls understand the meaning of valentine. It just doesnt mean that you express your love on this day no. Just the way we celebrate Africa Freedom Day. Does it mean we are only free that day. Or even labour Day…..does it mean we only labour on that day?????Grow up No 1 and think deeper.

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  4. 1,2 Don and Zedian
    Must you always be contentious ?. If such trivial and silly things like velentine makes your wife /girlfriend feel loved why not do it.Afterall women take issue with small things such as birthdays, valentines and shopping.

    If you are to look deeply into the origins of most things you would not celebrate things like Christmas, Easter or even receive Christmas bonus.c’mon look at the lighter side of life.

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  5. In some parts of the middle east valentines day is either banned or discouraged because it promotes affairs (ubuhule)and fonication (ubuchende).

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  6. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
    That must be why wives treats husbands like toxic waste.

    After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

    Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

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  7. The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?

    “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

    There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.

    Marriage is the only war where one ‘sleeps’ with the enemy.

    First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
    Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

    The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…

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  8. muntuza now thats hilarious! Isn’t it a wonder how men don’t understand women and vise versa.I saw a couple that had been married for 50 years arguing coz the wife wouldn’t let her hubby wear his favorite yellow trousers with his beautiful pink silk shirt! Do couples eventually get to understand each other or is just the way things are- a man metamorphises from sweetie to toxic waste!

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  9. valentines – the majority dosent always mean WIN sometimes it means ALL the fools are on one side. same with valentine

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  10. Happy Lupercalia or valentines as your ignorant folk want to call it. On this day in ancient babylon the pagans honour the queen of heaven Juno who is also the same goddess who is named after the month June. Thanks to Pope Gelasius who renamed the pagan Festival of lupercalia into St valentines Day. Just a reminder for you self righteous xtrians you can only drink from one cup one from the almighty or from Demons you cannot serve both.

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  11. #16 What do you mean by self righteous xtrians? Who are you to judge others? And you who are you?

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  12. Since when is telling the truth judging. If you are self righteous and you dirnk from the cup of demons and i point that out thats not judging. I am simply reminding you of what shall come to you when you honour Lupercalia.

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  13. Mr Codi muziba Valentine is here to stay, whether you like it or not, as long as pipo have fun and express their love to each other opening. What you should understand is that, it is just a day to promote love and peace among God’s pipo and not war. Not that they dont show love to one another everyday. Ask yourself why do you celebrate Farmers’ Day?
    This morning, I overhead a street vendor asking council police who were chasing them, saying “this is a love day dont chase us from the street just for today, let us just love one another and be peaceful”

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  14. Big up LT,and Mutunza that was like off the hook,loving it big time.

    I would aso want to say HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to my one and only ENARAH of Kitwe town,Nkana East,you know yourself girl!

    if love wasn’t a GAME,why are there so many PLAYERS

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  15. #18 How do you tell one is drinking from cup of demons – Just by looking God gracious!!! muzifunta baba!

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  16. You can tell one is drinking if they follow the doctrines of demons in this case valentines/Lupercalia is from demons . It is just a pagan festival renamed but useless imberciles like Mwanama think you need one day in a year to express your love. LOve is respect of YHWH , when you say you love YHWH and do exactly what he hates you are just a mouthpiece thats empty on the inside. Read Isaiah Chapter 1 and you shall see the fate of people that follow pagan feasts in the eyes of YHWH.

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  17. guys this is just a normal day, lets just send a happy valentines to everyone. have a great day, stop this demons shit! why are u zambians like this. no wonders u get poor cuz everyone who gets rich is a stanist.

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  18. a normal day in the kingdom of satan. the demons and satan must be celebrating at exactly how many they are drinking from their cup.

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  19. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO INONGE AND MUKUSHANA. I admire your contribution on the lifestyle section.

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  20. No. 6 you are wise 1 & 2 must be living a very dissappointed life no hard feelings guys it just a day to openly express love

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  21. happy valentines to my sweet wife TT,you are my candle and pride.remain sweet.happy valentines to the LT FUNS

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  22. Happy V-DAY to you all bloggers. Happy Valentne to my lovely wife Kat. You my V for ever.

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  23. There you go again typical zedian copycats! What next, Is this now the new culture in zed? Just like you started wearing leather jackets and boots in the hot Zambian weather in the name of fashion from salaula, someone will be fooled by the heart shaped cards and cheap presents, otherwise i hope ya’ll understand the meaning of all this.

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  24. Y’all “smart” cats on this blog amaze me. Y’all never see any good in any thing that anybody else does. If you were to follow the history of all these ‘pagan’ celebrations, you will even stop celebrating christmas. Just get a life and spread some love; with all the flooding, bad politics and sporting losses, all we got left is love, it’s free. Let’s spread it. Happy Valentine’s to y’all, haters included!

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  25. Sure Analyst we should think like you. We should celebrate all holidays meant to commemorate satan which have been renamed as holy by unscrupilous evil people. We shou;d turn a blind eye to the works of Satan and yet declare ourselves people of YHWH, am sure if we lie to ourselves and drape in satan’s hollows Our Creator will somehow also turn a blind eye to deeds he has explicitly warned us not to follow because he is a jealous creator. And by the way I don’t celebrate the birth of the pagan god Nimrod which is funny enough called Christmas . I guess obedience to the creator attracts scorn from men but who will judge me is it men or YHWH?

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  26. Number 31

    It’s funny you say that because now the same people that like to point fingers calling people Satanists are the ones who satanists. I honestly cannot tell the difference nowadays because satanic holidays and emblems are supposedly holy . I guess prophecy of satan and his ministers becoming ministers of righteousness and pretending to be YHWH has been fulfilled.

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  27. This is just another day that captialists created to ensure that we spend more money? if your spouse troubles you over valentine’s day? just remind her how lucky she is to have found you? if you are a sucker, go spend your hard earned money. cheers….!

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  28. Anonymous #3 The truth is that Valentine’s Day is not your opinion. It is an opinion forced upon you by settlers who made you think that everything they brought was civilised and everything they found you doing was primitive. Many Africans have tried to run away from this ‘primitive’ tag by showing Europeans (and their fellow Africans suffering from inferiority complexes) that they are just like the whites. They adopt all the behaviours of the whites and abandon all their indigenous behaviours. So silly things like Valentine’s day are pounced upon as one way of showing how civilised or classy they are. In actual fact they just become ‘follow fashion monkeys’ who parrot other people’s culture

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  29. They look down upon their cultures. They even throw away their indegenous names for European names. They abandon their food for Western food. They say they cant speak alocal language. They only know English because its the language spoken by the civilised! They will even go further and mimick the English accent so that they are seen to be classy. They wear jackets and ties because they think a Chitenge shirt or a bubu is primitive. In short they are brainwashed! Neo-colonialised.Menatally colonalised. They have no identity because they dont want their real identity!

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  30. Neuter [38], when I went to my parent’s home village for the first time when I was in my teens, I was ridiculed because my Zambian language accent was not good enough, despite my best efforts, because of living elsewhere in my early years; when I am traveling in Zambia and reach a road block, I am the only one asked to produce an ID; I laugh it off but it pains me that I do not feel like I belong in my own country.Should my accent be considered ‘fake’ when I don’t speak like you? What is Zambian identity when you are trying so hard to belong but you do not feel welcome?

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  31. Analyst #39 In a situation like yours you are not a follow-fashion monkey, Chongololo or coconut. You grew up in a foreign country and inevitably you had to assimilate that society’s mannerisms including your accent. You are not faking anything so your personal battle is to convince everyone else before they label you this or that. You can try to turn the situation into a plus by fronting an ‘African Pride’ campaign or crusade and in doing so highlight your childhood predicament. What the settlers did is to rob us of our indigenous pride. Usually people without pride cant make progress because they are looking to those with pride to give them everything.

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  32. Our challenge as Africans is to restore this pride so that we can then start going forward. Once we are proud of who we are we will start looking at ourselves for solutions to our problems. That is how all progressive societies have gone forward. Just look around you and analyse most of the societies that have progressed and you will see they are proud of who they are. So Analyst you have a chance to start a campaign to restore Africa’s pride even if you grew up elsewhere Aluta my brother!

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  33. I put Valentines, Christmas, New Year celebrations all in the same boat, they are all fake. Even weddings were the bride wears white and the ‘partners’ exchange rings, that’s all pagan rituals that many people follow but very few understand their history. Westerners are good at making people adopt even the most evil stuff like the homo stuff. I don’t know why we Africans are so willing to throw away centuries of our own cultures for foreign cultures that we don’t even understand.

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  34. Yes Witness #44! Yet so many of our brainwashed girls will put a man under great strain by insisting they must wed in a white (so-called Victorian)wedding dress. They say it cant be a wedding if there is no such wedding dress! So the man is forced to dig deep into his pocket for a colonial vestige! But is marriage about a wedding dress? Or should this wedding dress be the one my colonial masters wore? Why cant I put on my own Sunday best or design my own wedding dress and still feel Iam married? I remember Bruce Grobellar (Zimbabwean Liverpool goalkeeper) wearing a tracksuit to his wedding and that did not reduce the stature of the marriage in any way!

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  35. Birthdays and zodiac signs are all pagan beliefs too. The level of ignorance is so high for us ‘modern’ africans. Even this western influenced demoracy is nothing but nonsense. It may work in the west but it does not work in Africa. We need to critically look at the many many this we adopt knowingly or unknowingly to assess their workability within the African context. We need a revolutionary change. Like Obama says, Yes We Can!

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  36. Neuter#45 I agree with you 101%. The amount of brainwashing we Africans have been subjected too is legendary, we need double the effort it took to brainwash our people for us to overturn this rather almost irreversible situation.

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  37. A Bemba couple after marrying was given a kid brother for the bride to keep. Each time it was time of sleep the boy would hear the sister crying mayo mulenjipaya. The boy töok it that the sister was being beaten each night.
    So he waited for an opportunity when he would get home to tell the mother.

    Schools were on holiday when the boy was allowed to go home where he told his mother how the sister gets beaten in the night by the husband and even invited her over so that she hears for herself. At the end of the holiday they went together.
    Night came and the crying started and the mother was angry, she got up went to the door and knocked hard while shouting imwe bapongoshi kale naumfwa at

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  38. Contd:

    ati muloma umwana wandi chila bushiku, echo mwamupila isuleni.

    The hubby got up with an erect penis about to ejaculate with visible pulse, got to the door opened and pointed to the dick asking: ‘ imwe bapongoshi bushe likofi ili eee, bushe likofi?????

    Have a fab weekend y’all!!!

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  39. Contd:
    ati muloma umwana wandi chila bushiku, echo mwamupila isuleni.

    The hubby got up with an erect penis about to ejaculate with visible pulse, got to the door opened and pointed to the dick asking: ‘ imwe bapongoshi bushe likofi ili eee, bushe likofi?????

    Have a fab weekend y’all!!!

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  40. HAPPY BELATED VALENTINES DAY MY LOVE HANIF YULIYAH….SORRY FOR THE DELAY MY LOVE..I WISH I COULD TELL YOU THE SAME DAY BUT FOR THE poor INTERNET CONNECTION AND THE Exorbitant prices they are charging here in zambia.I LOVE ZAMBIA THOUGH…. THE PEOPLE ARE SO NICE TO ME

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  41. MY PRECIOUS HANIF YULIYAH..YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS SWEETHEART…..internet is still considered a frill and not as a necessity like back home..UNIMAGINABLE RIGHT?

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  42. MAN together wth WOMAN, WOMAN together with WOMAN, ANIMALS together with ANIMALS, MAN with ANIMALS, and MAN together PLANTS, AND EVEN COWS MY LOVE….. I WILL TELL YOU MORE LATER

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  43. Ok Azziz i will be nice.Soccer is not on this page, neither is your endless Jihad fought here or anywhere else in OUR Zambia!#61 learn to respect your hosts or get lost! Your Hanif yuliyah has already been pulverized in the hot desert sun by some of those horny jihaadis! Go join them in Bora Bora mountains and prove your ‘manhood’before she can give it up for you. Allah bless her soul!

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  44. this is wrong brother #64 please just say something nice to your loved ones. happy belated vantines to you and you lovely wife and fellow zambian bloggers. refrain from using vulgar language.

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  45. Did you post blog #61? What do you call that? Loving, respectful language? You desert Asshoooooole! Go take a shower…

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  46. Respect comes first. We are hosting this ‘man’ if you will. Thus we do not deserve his endless spitting without letting him know it. Iam not from southern province but iam proud to be Zambian and will defend fellow Zambians from pricks like these.Beastiality may be a cultural trait elsewhere this ‘man’ comes from,but it is not a part of us. All i ask of this ‘man’ is respect. Apologise to the people of southern province and to this country as a whole and you will enjoy your blogging.

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  47. About two weeks ago. God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the repulsive behaviour that was going on. So God called one of the angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.” God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good because he wanted to encourage them…give them a little something to help them keep going. Does anyone know what the e-mail said. Okay, just wondering. I didn’t get one maybe the self-proclaimed saints got one. Tell us!!

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  48. #72 You’re so right. But I think this Abdula dude’s psuedal. Patterns of his blogs do not fit an existing being. He fits the profile of a fellow Zedian in the diaspora with nothing better to do but stir fights on LT.

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  49. Neuter, all your contributiuons are very wise. after reading your articles I have started the process of dropping my colonial name.Ihave asked my mother if she has any african name I can use and she says she willcomeback tome.Surprisingly noone in myfamily has objected to thisdecision.Actually iwas given then name in church.why theycouldn’t accept an africanname i dont know. Neuter you are africa’s saviour you’ve got brains which you are usuing.most of us have brains but we dont use them properly!

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  50. #74 I’m humbled by these opinions but if you have decided to act on a neo-colonial vestige I congratulate you. Indeed if you go about carrying someone’s ancestor’s name you will find yourself admiring others’ achievements and never yours. I also dropped my slavename for my ancestor’s name a long time ago. I feel prouder of the african name than these Michaels Johns Theophilluses etc. Isn’t it amazing that despite our having stayed with Europeans and Arabs for centuries none of them has adopted our names? Not a single muzungu is called Mweene or Mwape or Ilitiongo. Its only us who copy their names. Answer: we have the inferiority complex. They dont.

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  51. Ngugi Wa Thiogo not only dropped his slave name of James but stopped writing novels in English. He asked himself why he should be advancing foreign languages thereby helping to destroy his own language. He is still lecturing in the USA but he writes all his books in Gikuyu. He leaves it up to the publishers to translate them into English. Its a first step at reclaiming lost African Pride.

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  52. #34&35 Codi muziba you are the biggest father of Satanists I have ever come across, this day does not hurt anyone its just bring extra happiness in couples. What is your problem? Jealous of course!! You are the same pipo who question and complain about the birth of our Lord Jesus – christmas but quick to cry over christmas bonus. HYPOCRITE!!!

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  53. Thought was a great love story for the day….

    A man dies and goes to the other world. He was met by an angel. “I want to learn the secret of love”, said the man, “… I spent my entire life trying to understand love”. The angel said, “come with me”. He took him to a room and opened the door. As soon as the door swung open, the man was met by sight of thousands upon thousands of people. On the edges of the room were huge banquets of food, every food every imaginable food, and the people in the room carried huge spoons. With continued observation, the man was amazed that every one in room was so emaciated; in fact they were starving. He looked at the angel in surprise and said,

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  54. I don’t understand this; why do we have a room full of food while every one is starving; looking as though if they have not eaten in ‘years and years’”. The angel said, “watch closely”. As the man watched closely, he realised that the spoons were too long; in fact they were longer than their arms, as a result each time one person carried some food to take to the mouth, it went over their shoulders; they couldn’t get the spoons into their mouths. “This looks like hell!”, exclaimed the man. To which the angel nodded in approval and said, “that’s right”. Now I will take you to the next room.

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  55. Once they got there and had the door opened, the man was confused, because this new room and the previously seen room were identical, and set the same way; ….thousands upon thousands of people, all foods you can fantasize about. The people were walking with gigantic spoons, except these people; on the contrary, looked robust, smiley and happy. They certainly looked like people who were well fed. “I don’t understand”, the man said, “what is the difference” he continued. “Watch closely,” the angel replied. As the man paid closer attention, he realised these people with their gigantic, long spoons, where not struggling to feed themselves; but feeding each other. With that, the angel put his a

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