Wednesday, May 29, 2024

Satire : The resignation of Canisius Banda

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At first glance one might think his gait had been choreographed specifically for this day. The way he threw his arms as he walked was probably a reflection of the number of years he had used them to save lives in surgical rooms across the country. One wouldn’t be far from the truth to say that he has gifted hands. He carries an air of authority about him.

As he headed toward the entrance of his party’s secretariat, a weird feeling engulfed him. It was a familiar feeling, and he hated it. He always gets it when something bad is about to happen. It reminded him of some patients and loved ones he has had lost in the past.

“Dear Lord, not again,” he prayed to his maker. Pernicious Panda has always been a religious man. Once every year he takes a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. He has a knack for always drawing strength from him maker.

“Be strong Pernicious, be strong!” his small inner voice urged him.

“Thank you. I will be strong,” he assured it.

“That’s my boy!” the inner voice responded.

“Help me Lord,” he said his final prayer before he opened the door taking him into the executive room where his Party`s President Hakayobela, and vice president Dofrey Bwafya Bwamba were waiting for him.

“Hello pilgrims!” said Pernicious Panda.

“Hello Doc!” responded Pastor Neighbours Mumbwa, while Hakayobela and Bwafya Bwamba kept quiet.

“Pilgrims, what is pastor Mumbwa doing in my seat?” asked the surprised Pernicious.

“Please take that seat in front of you and stop asking irreverent questions,” responded Hakayobela in his unmistakable thick voice. Pernicious had no option, but to oblige.  Word has it that Hakayobela horned his thick voice by doing part time deejaying jobs in night clubs during his time at University of Dambia.

“Now, should I call you Pilgrim or Doc Pernicious?” asked Hakayobela.

“Take your pick,” replied Pernicious.

“Good! Comrade Dofrey Bwamba can you please tell our dear Doc why we have summoned him here?” said Hakayobela.

“Yes bakamba nalamweba, olo nimboila bad, kuti namutukana nokumutukana uyu nangu ukumumamo amakofi,” responded Dofrey Bwafya Bwamba, sending pastor Neighbours into laughter.

“Comrade please use English, we are not at ukusefya Pangwena,” said the annoyed Hakayobela.

“Oh sorry comrade. I should always watch my temper. I always automatically switch to bemba when I am annoyed. I was basically just saying hi to him,” said the apologetic Dofrey.

“Apologies accepted, now please continue,” responded Hakayobela.

“Doc what were you doing with Elijah Goma, at East Park Mall ? This is not the first time we have seen you mingling with people from PF. So what was your business being with him?” asked Dofrey.

“Pilgrims, Elijah and I have known each other for a long time. His late mother used to cook Zumba for me. We are like brothers. If anything, Elijah and I knows the cure for HIV. You surely can’t expect me to ignore him in the street. I just pumped into him at the mall when I went to buy a phone charger for my old Nokia 3310, pilgrims. Most of the people from PF I mingle with at times are people I know from way back, stemming from my time working as a physician and permanent secretary. Friendship goes beyond politics pilgrims, never let our political and ideological differences separate is,” responded Pernicious.

“Why should we believe you?” asked Hakayobela.

“You have to believe me because I am a good pilgrim. I stand for the truth,” responded Pernicious.

“Okay no further questions doc. We will get back to you. You can leave now,” said Hakayobela, in his typical no smiley face style.

“Just like that? Come on pilgrims, you can do better than this,” responded Pernicious.

“Please leave before I lose my temper. You know me better, ask my wife Kama if you are not sure what my fists are capable of,” responded Dofrey Bwafya Bwamba.

“Okay Pilgrims, let me leave. God be with you,” said Pernicious as he turned to leave.

“Please save your prayers for later. If we need any prayers we have pastor Neighbours Mumbwa to help us out,” said Hakayobela.

“Fair enough,” said Pernicious before he left the room.

A few days later Pernicious was surprised to hear that he had been suspended from the party through the media.

“What?! What is wrong with these people? I joined UPND at the time when it had a tribal tag. I helped change that perception. After helping the party have a national appeal, this is how Hakayobela has paid me back? What I expected was gratitude, not this nonsense. They were supposed to come to me and say that Pernicious we thank for improving the fortunes of the party,” he complained to the media after they called on him.

Dejected and disappointed he sat down to write his resignation letter.

“Dear three musketeers, yes I mean you pathetic pilgrims, Hakayobela, Dofrey and your Pastor Neighbours Mumbwa, whom I assume is eyeing my position as vice president for politics. Who do you think you are pilgrims?” he wrote, before he changed his mind and started afresh. If there is anything Pernicious is gifted with is it his knack for a play with words and poetry.

The following day the whole nation except people in UPND were surprised to hear of his resignation from the party.

“Farewells pilgrim, Pernicious! Farewell our dear pilgrim!” shouts echoed through the streets, as people both young and old wished him a good pilgrimage to Jerusalem, on his new quest to find answers and direction in life.

Written by Besa Mwansa

 

23 COMMENTS

  1. Every thing we hope for will eventually disappoint us, doctor should ask Sakwiba Sikota, Patrick Chisanga, Edith Nawakwi. To our leaders and followers of UPND please treat people rightly because season change.

  2. I have said it many times and I will say it again and again and again. I personally hate canicious banda for the madness he displayed during president Sara’s illness. Serves him better now that he is testing his own medicine. Let him apologize to us and the first family first before thinking of joining us

  3. I find this to be neither funny nor satirical. It is too direct and being a person that real the various satires by clark, this disgustingly lacks depth.

    • I wonder why Besa has used UPND; y’know, the political party that lost to PF in the August 11 Zambian elections. Does the republic of Dambia also have a UPND (United Party for the Nation of Dambia), replete with a tribal tag and all..!?

  4. This Tonga guy called Haleisa Halelila has ignited tribalism in Zambia and the best is just for him to resign.He has indoctrinated the people of Southern to believe that the onl person they can trust,believe in and vote for all the time should be a Tonga.UPND is now a religion and not a political party.

    Unfortunately even well educated Tonga Directors,PSs and other executives will always pretend that they are with PF but under ground they are strong supporters /funders of up and down.There is urgent need for all stakeholders in this country to find a lasting solution to this cancer.

  5. If you want to be successful at something, be your own man, have your own unique style, don’t use other person’s template. As I was reading this piece, I had no doubt in my mind, I was reading Kalaki’s (Roy Clarke) work. Turns out to be a Besa Mwansa using Kalaki’s template.

    • Which template are you talking about? Go and learn what Satire means then you can come back. This guy uses his own names of characters and has his own flow/ style. You just don’t like it because you are a UPND cadre.

  6. It seem more and more obvious to me that Banda himself wrote this and one can’t help but remember Melania trump and Buharu. Not that Dr Pernicious plagiarized someone’s work but we all know it sound a bit similar to some earlier charactor.That shouldnt be an issue just like @GBM has correctly put it,bonse twalidadulapo especially if you ever went to UNZA,ni crooks cabe and here we are.
    Nice choice of names anyway,just like Kalaki did back then when he used to refer to President Sata as Saiko Mata. I think pernicious should have just called himself penis .If he could use Bwamba for Mwamba ,why not penis? Interesting piece of reading though.I personally didn’t like the way the man was treated by UPND with the party saying they couldn’t deliver a letter to him because no one knows…

    • knows where he lives,kkkk confirming his self proclaimed name of ‘pilgrim’ at the same time showing pure lack of respect for the man by the party he served.Balepeshanya and it seems pilgrim is gaining momentum and slowly becoming more popular than Yakayobela. I bet he can even get more votes if an election was held and pilgrim contested.It’s getting more and more interesting by day,i never new the vocal side of CB only his dirty (unkept beards and hair) side and homelessness sides.
      On the other hand,even if i don’t support EL,i salute him for his lesson to Sampa and all the political prostitutes.This has sent a very strong warning.To me this is EL’s best decision ever since he came to power.Zambia can’t afford another Munkombwe.

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