Satire : The resignation of Canisius Banda

At first glance one might think his gait had been choreographed specifically for this day. The way he threw his arms as he walked was probably a reflection of the number of years he had used them to save lives in surgical rooms across the country. One wouldn’t be far from the truth to say that he has gifted hands. He carries an air of authority about him.

As he headed toward the entrance of his party’s secretariat, a weird feeling engulfed him. It was a familiar feeling, and he hated it. He always gets it when something bad is about to happen. It reminded him of some patients and loved ones he has had lost in the past.

“Dear Lord, not again,” he prayed to his maker. Pernicious Panda has always been a religious man. Once every year he takes a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. He has a knack for always drawing strength from him maker.

“Be strong Pernicious, be strong!” his small inner voice urged him.

“Thank you. I will be strong,” he assured it.

“That’s my boy!” the inner voice responded.

“Help me Lord,” he said his final prayer before he opened the door taking him into the executive room where his Party`s President Hakayobela, and vice president Dofrey Bwafya Bwamba were waiting for him.

“Hello pilgrims!” said Pernicious Panda.

“Hello Doc!” responded Pastor Neighbours Mumbwa, while Hakayobela and Bwafya Bwamba kept quiet.

“Pilgrims, what is pastor Mumbwa doing in my seat?” asked the surprised Pernicious.

“Please take that seat in front of you and stop asking irreverent questions,” responded Hakayobela in his unmistakable thick voice. Pernicious had no option, but to oblige.  Word has it that Hakayobela horned his thick voice by doing part time deejaying jobs in night clubs during his time at University of Dambia.

“Now, should I call you Pilgrim or Doc Pernicious?” asked Hakayobela.

“Take your pick,” replied Pernicious.

“Good! Comrade Dofrey Bwamba can you please tell our dear Doc why we have summoned him here?” said Hakayobela.

“Yes bakamba nalamweba, olo nimboila bad, kuti namutukana nokumutukana uyu nangu ukumumamo amakofi,” responded Dofrey Bwafya Bwamba, sending pastor Neighbours into laughter.

“Comrade please use English, we are not at ukusefya Pangwena,” said the annoyed Hakayobela.

“Oh sorry comrade. I should always watch my temper. I always automatically switch to bemba when I am annoyed. I was basically just saying hi to him,” said the apologetic Dofrey.

“Apologies accepted, now please continue,” responded Hakayobela.

“Doc what were you doing with Elijah Goma, at East Park Mall ? This is not the first time we have seen you mingling with people from PF. So what was your business being with him?” asked Dofrey.

“Pilgrims, Elijah and I have known each other for a long time. His late mother used to cook Zumba for me. We are like brothers. If anything, Elijah and I knows the cure for HIV. You surely can’t expect me to ignore him in the street. I just pumped into him at the mall when I went to buy a phone charger for my old Nokia 3310, pilgrims. Most of the people from PF I mingle with at times are people I know from way back, stemming from my time working as a physician and permanent secretary. Friendship goes beyond politics pilgrims, never let our political and ideological differences separate is,” responded Pernicious.

“Why should we believe you?” asked Hakayobela.

“You have to believe me because I am a good pilgrim. I stand for the truth,” responded Pernicious.

“Okay no further questions doc. We will get back to you. You can leave now,” said Hakayobela, in his typical no smiley face style.

“Just like that? Come on pilgrims, you can do better than this,” responded Pernicious.

“Please leave before I lose my temper. You know me better, ask my wife Kama if you are not sure what my fists are capable of,” responded Dofrey Bwafya Bwamba.

“Okay Pilgrims, let me leave. God be with you,” said Pernicious as he turned to leave.

“Please save your prayers for later. If we need any prayers we have pastor Neighbours Mumbwa to help us out,” said Hakayobela.

“Fair enough,” said Pernicious before he left the room.

A few days later Pernicious was surprised to hear that he had been suspended from the party through the media.

“What?! What is wrong with these people? I joined UPND at the time when it had a tribal tag. I helped change that perception. After helping the party have a national appeal, this is how Hakayobela has paid me back? What I expected was gratitude, not this nonsense. They were supposed to come to me and say that Pernicious we thank for improving the fortunes of the party,” he complained to the media after they called on him.

Dejected and disappointed he sat down to write his resignation letter.

“Dear three musketeers, yes I mean you pathetic pilgrims, Hakayobela, Dofrey and your Pastor Neighbours Mumbwa, whom I assume is eyeing my position as vice president for politics. Who do you think you are pilgrims?” he wrote, before he changed his mind and started afresh. If there is anything Pernicious is gifted with is it his knack for a play with words and poetry.

The following day the whole nation except people in UPND were surprised to hear of his resignation from the party.

“Farewells pilgrim, Pernicious! Farewell our dear pilgrim!” shouts echoed through the streets, as people both young and old wished him a good pilgrimage to Jerusalem, on his new quest to find answers and direction in life.

Written by Besa Mwansa