Tuesday, June 18, 2024

Satire : Hakaboyela

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If there is one thing Hakaboyela is exceptionally gifted with, it is his business acumen. Saying that he is a very shrewd businessman is an understatement. He has a knack for pulling off the biggest deals in the business world. His biggest scoop was when the late king of Dambia, Zayellow Kaluba entrusted him with the privatization of the kingdom`s struggling mines.  Word on the street is that Hakayobela was the only one who came out of the whole privatization process smiling all the way to the bank. He is a good material for a sensational “overnight rags to riches” movie. He has money to burn and cows numerous enough to feed the whole Dambia, for centuries. In a utopic world, Hakayobela is supposed to be the king of the whole kingdom, but unfortunately for him he lives in the reality, where being rich is one thing, and becoming king is another.

Like with most rich people, Hakayobela is not content with just having money to burn. He has an insatiable appetite to become an absolute king. He has had grown weary of only wielding his power and authority in his company boardrooms scattered across the kingdom. He wants to start wielding it at Kingdom level.  It is against this background why he has had tried to ascend to the Dambian throne on five various occasions. He believed it was his divine right to rule Dambia.

His last ascension attempt hurt him badly. He was very sure of becoming king, after the sudden death of King Michelo Santa. Hakayobela became the favourite for the vacant throne. Many people were sure Hakayobela`s time to rule had come, such was the case until an unknown figure from the PF Royal clan called Eddy Kungu pipped him to the throne, leaving him bitter and heartbroken.

“Eddy can’t beat me. He is not even a good orator like me,” complained Hakayobela, when he appeared on Kuvi TV.

“Is that the only reason you think you are better than him?” asked Cosmo Mwanza, the Kuvi TV managing director who took it upon himself to interview him.

“No, Cosmo look at this….apart from that, he is not a teetotaller like me. I don’t drink alcohol and I am an elder at my local First Day Adventure church. Ask him if he has any position in any church. I deserve this throne, it is my divine right to rule Dambia,” he said confidently, while flashing a rare smile.

“But why are you so sure?” asked Cosmo.

“Cosmo, I have been in politics of succession for a long time now, after I took over the leadership of the UPND royal clan after the death of Adamson Bazooka. Eddy doesn’t deserve the throne.  He just came from nowhere and won the battle. This is not fair you know?” responded the disappointed Hakayobela.

“But the people decided, comrade Hakayobela. Eddy got more than half of the votes in the kingdom,” said Cosmo.

“Which people? We have evidence to prove that the whole voting process was a fraud, it was a sham of a succession. And let me use this opportunity to tell the whole kingdom that tomorrow me and my second in command, Dofrey Bwafya Bwamba will embark on the kingdom-wide tour to explain to my supporters how the throne was stolen away from me, and why I deserve to be King.  I don’t recognize Eddy as my leader. I also want to take this opportunity to visit all the members of the UPND royal clan, eddy and his people have jailed for speaking for me,” he said with a sardonic grin.

“But don’t you think that is akin to treason?” asked the shocked Cosmo.

“Who cares? I am ready to die for this cause. Mpaka litente badala,” said the confident Hakayobela in his unmistakable thick voice.

“Well, Sir I wish you the best,” responded Cosmo, resignedly.

“Thank you Cosmo. And just in case Stephen Nayenda, your boss fires you, you know where to find me,” said the confident Hakayobela, before leaving the set.

“Hahaha…thank you sir. I will be in touch, who knows what tomorrow might bring?” responded the thankful Cosmo Mwanza. Hakayobela was already out of the door by then.

Two days later the entire kingdom wasn’t very surprised to hear that Hakayobela  and Dofrey had been arrested and charged with seditious practices and unlawful assembly.

 

Written by Besa Mwansa

27 COMMENTS

  1. Hakayobela is pompous. I dont blame him. If hakayobela can leave catanism, i will vote for him. I ate his association with catanism.Divine favour from where, catan of from the almighty God.

    • Only sick minds believe chiluba would entrust the selling of mines to Hakayobela,Chiluba went into to benefit his relatives,bemba hate for tongas has not started with HH,but was there against nkumbula,in between against wina,then mazoka now HH.No evidence of hate from the tongas,those who claim so should provide evidence.

    • Good for HH, as a young man entrusted with a huge task of selling Mines, he did well. Like Trump would say” i am clever when quized about dodging taxes”. He had to be rewarded accordingly and he was. Sata shortly after becoming president assemble a team from BOZ and Ministry of finance( Miles Sampa was in the team) to lobby for Euro bond. Once the money cleared, it was shared. PF Became the richest party overnight. Mulenga Sata was not selling dogs anymore. Young and Old, which ever party or tribe, zambians suffer from kleptomania.

  2. “It is a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense.”

    “The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.”

    Robert Green Ingersoll

  3. Tribal ,useless. HH commands half of the country. He is the only on leading a biggest opposition party in africa. His legacy will go along way to gather with GBM for uniting the bembas and tongas and, for democracy and justice. GBM will be remembered as the only bemba politician to support a non bemba man since independence. Tongas since independence have been supporting non Tongas.

    • @DSC. This is a SATIRE please read it and understand the context in which it is written. Let us learn to laugh at ourselves as Zambians without raising unnecessary blood pressure. 24 HOURS OF WAITING FOR THE BUS TO ARRIVE IS A LONG LONG TIME. WHAT OF 5 YEARS?????? Chill

    • It seems you have a dental problem 1mbeciles above. 7 provinces out of 3 to you means hajayobela commands more than 50%. You need to see a dentist urgently.

  4. When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal-Napoleon.

    Unfortunately, Hakayobela doesn’t understand this. Hope people in the other parts of the Kingdom other than Dundumwezology have now seen what sort of a man he is.

  5. Here is an article from a Malaysian Paper I would like to share with my fellow Zambians. I quote

    “”He said in previous elections, the voters had accorded several states to the opposition to rule.

    “Defeat and victory can be caused by several factors – the candidate, the party machinery and issues that are brought up, these three elements are major contributors.

    “In this context, the losing party should conduct a post-mortem,” he said.””

  6. From the Guardian Newspaper:

    “Trump says he may not accept result if Clinton wins”

    Any similarities with Hakayobela?

  7. WHICH IS WHY I AM ALWAYS VERY SUPRISED AT Mr. HH FOR IS CONSTANT MISERY , UNHAPPINESS, AND GRATEFULNESS WITH WHAT HE HAS.BEING PRESIDENT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU SIR. ITS THE ABILITY YOU ABILITY (GIFT) AND YOUR PERSONALITY COMING FROM WITHIN YOU THAT DEFINES YOU. BILL GATES AND STEVE JOBS’S ARE PRACTICALLY YOUR BROTHERS FROM ANOTHER MOTHER. PLEASE SIR,LOOK AT YOUR GIFT OF BUSINESS, NOT MANY HAVE THAT IN ZAMBIA. AM ACTUALLY THINKING YOU ARE CONFUSING YOUR GIFT FOR BUSINESS WITH BEING PRESIDENT. MAYBE YOU ARE JUST MEANT TO BE AWESOME AT BUSINESS AND BEING STINKING RICH, BUT NOT A POLITICIAN AT THE SAME TIME. TRY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR OTHER BROTHER MR. DANGOTE. SO THE HE CAN TEACH YOU A BIT ABOUT BEING GRATEFUL WITH THE SPECIAL BUSINESS GIFT YOU POSSESS SIR.

  8. Who wrote this nosense of an article sure. One of the most boring articles of all time please just sleeep if you do not have any thing to do bafikala…………………

  9. Ba Besa you have serious fisushi sickness in your ass.you are suffering from the gases ya mumatako.Tamwakwata amano bamumbwe

  10. Dan biloko @1.1 please have facts before you vent your bitterness. I am a relative of Chiluba but never got even a ngwee from him. Go to his village if there’s anything to show that “his ” benefited from his ten years as president. For those not in the know, your lies will look like a tribe benefits if their own became president.

  11. ”….He is a good material for a sensational “overnight rags to riches” movie…”

    you surely must have mistaken HH with lungu who mysteriously amassed $2.3 million in one year in office

  12. I find this article celebrating hate speak against a tribe in the name of satire. Mr. Mwansa, this is disgusting and should only be shared within circles that find pleasure in such bigotry.

    The half of the country that voted to have a better Zambia and can move forward, still need their concerns addressed and such articles really no not help.

    • People like Mwansa are sick human beings who derive pleasure from humiliating others and perpetuating tribalism. Low life like Mwansa should exist as a maggot and not a human being.

  13. @one zed which half of Zambia are you talking about?Surely can 3 provinces be half of Zambia? Please give s a break and move on, your Hakayobela lost this election squarely.

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