Women are entitled to both – a good education and great sex, just to be clear

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By Sampa Kabwela

There seems to be a common narrative among a bulk of Zambian men that women who are educated and financially independent are somewhat, sexually starving – as if to suggest that good education and great sex are mutually exclusive. This cannot be further from the truth.

Pardon me if I sound like a brag, but I am educated, female and sexually not starving. Let me put it this way, of the many things missing in my life, sex and money are not one of them. I speak not just for myself, but an army of women who are having it all: good education, good money and great sex.

I recently sat next to two guys who were whining about their boss, a woman. “She is a slave-driver who just needs good sex”, they declared. They took turns bashing her, each narrating how she was placing unreasonable pressure and workload on them and throwing “tantrums”, demanding that they deliver every task by “CoB”. They picked on her butt and every part of her body before concluding that “If it’s sex she needs, she should just let us know rather than creating hell for everyone.” They then burst into hysterical laughter.

A few days later, on Lusaka Times, a blogger hiding under the name of Anonymous went after one of Zambia’s thought leaders, a woman. “She probably has no boyfriend to service her”, the blogger wrote in reaction to her satirical letter, ‘Dear America, use a targeted missile’.

I once read an article in The Post newspaper with a sensational headline – Educated women are sexually starved. It was making reference to a radio discussion in which its popular host and male callers had arrived at that conclusion. The article had no details of how such a conclusion was reached at, except a cursory mention that educated women were sexually starved. For instance, the article didn’t specify which of the educated women the radio discussion was making reference to, because educated women come in all forms: married, divorced, single, celibate and dating.

In all likelihood, the discussion was referring to the single educated woman because I would imagine that the married, educated woman is getting her fair share of sex unless the suggestion is that her education is standing in the way of accessing sex in marriage.

I have written about this before but let me repeat. Spoiler: we are educated; get used!

I write to inform and, by extension, disappoint this stock of men who hold such un-informed narratives. I am sorry to disappoint you, but we educated women, married or single, are getting sex, great, safe sex under our terms. We have never been more on-demand sexually and professionally as we are now.

Listen, guys, our education is not for sale in exchange for sexual favours. We went to school precisely to run away from giving sexual favours. There is no correlation between a woman’s good education and sexual starvation.

There is no group of people to whom education has brought so much social and economic transformation than women. As for the single educated women, who receive so much scorn, research after research has demonstrated that single educated women are living better, healthier and longer lives. For instance, they have a lower prevalence and risk of catching sexual diseases compared to married women because they have more power to negotiate and insist on safer sex.

The misconception that an educated woman is less likely to get married because men are intimidated needs correcting. The limiting pool from which women must find a man has nothing to do with education, but centuries of traditions and social structures that have favoured men and disadvantaged women. Men have a wider pool from which to choose a suitor; a 50-year-old man can easily get a woman in the range of 18-65 years. Such infinite ranges don’t exist for a 50-year-old woman.

There are also biological factors that work against a woman; her fertility rate is prime in her 20s and significantly drops in her 40s, while a man’s fertility is virtually unaffected by age (only beer).

Therefore, if a woman who happens to be educated is ‘starving sexually’, it is not because of her education, but a social order that she inherited at birth.

But there is good news; education is shifting tables in favour of women. Today, a 40-year-old educated woman has a longer dating shelf life than her uneducated counterpart. On average, she makes her own money, has invested in property, lives a healthy lifestyle, looks younger and when fertility fails her, she can afford other scientific options of conceiving available on the market.

Research after research is showing changing dynamics that favour educated women. Education and financial independence have become a top non-negotiable factor for a majority of men looking for a woman to marry. This is a significant shift from decades ago where physical beauty and home-making qualities topped the list.

This has meant that a 40-year-old educated and financially independent woman has a wider than ever pool of men to choose from. I personally know of 30-year-olds dating women in their 40s. By men, I mean the educated, hot, successful and professional type and not the growing breed that lives off women.

The misconception that men are intimidated by an educated woman is not entirely correct. But if some men are truly intimidated, it’s about time, and we welcome that. At his core, a man is not intimidated by a woman he wants, no matter her list of degrees, achievements or social standing. When a man wants a woman, he will garner the confidence to go after her. A woman retains the right to say no if she doesn’t want him and this has nothing to do with her collection of degrees.

We educated women have never seen education as a barrier to finding a man, sex or marriage. We want both high education and great sex. Do not ask us to choose one or the other when we are entitled to both. But if we must choose, our education is not for sale, and we will never look back.

 

Sampa Kabwela is an artist, publisher and mother. She works for an international organisation. For comments, email, lyrical.zambiaATgmail.com
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45 COMMENTS

    • WHAT AUDACITY!
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      You are one of your kind. Women normally don’t discuss the issue of sex publicly. The sexuality of women is largely obscure and sacred; and only discussed among themselves in “dark corners” or isolated places where the discussion is exclusive to them or with loved ones. This is true for all African countries whether a woman is educated or not. Sheer courage and targeted this message sounds. How could you surely labour to have all these printables? If you do enjoy sex and have an education why labour prove a point unless it’s hurting? We know you women for putting up struggles to be free in many areas of human endeavors in the name of equal rights. If you have an education, it’s no passport to be sexually exempt. Go lay or get layed, it non of our…

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    • @Thorn in the Flesh – ati “women’s sexuality is sacred!” Spare us the rubbish! We want great sex, not sacred sex. Dah!
      Great piece SK!

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    • @Lulumbi
      The context in the making-
      Allow me to draw your feeble mind to the Song of solomon plus remember that –
      When a woman speaks about her sexuality in public, listen hard. There is a story she’s tryna communicate in riddles. Just like the backslashes your get to read when she posts on her facebook wall after her experience in her relationship. Plus do you see how spooked you get when you see a cut gal pass by. It’s a marvel that struck your forefather Adam at the first sight of Eve. Get your ugly face off my commentary. Let me not see you kneel to her when presenting that engagement ring.

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    • I am perplexed!!!
      This article sounds like great ssex…. indeed. One paragraph is a story way different from next paragraph. Just like ssex positions.
      If Sampa asks me tomorrow that “Ba Nostra, did you like it”. It will be difficulty to tell which position she means. This is why I ask back “…you tell me!” or “…. what’s up next Kabwela?”

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    • “The sexuality of women is largely obscure and sacred; and only discussed among themselves in “dark corners” or isolated places” Please generalization is not healthy.

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    • I think all in whole, the article speaks for itself….IT IS AN OPINION PIECE. And who can fault anybody for expressing their opinion.

      Men (or women for that matter) can be intimidated by a wide range of factors as regards to male/female relationships. To suggest that EDUCATION is the main and only factor that keeps men away from dating educated women is really to simplistic. It might be just as simple as DISPOSITION and ATTITUDE by educated women that puts off men….nothing more and nothing less!

      And I can’t help notice that as the author speaks against centuries of traditions and stereotypes that have worked against women, she apparently doesn’t realize that saying or believing things like “by men, I mean the educated, hot, successful and professional type and not the growing…

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    • Continue…

      breed that lives off women.” Just think what problems awaits a man who gets in a relationship with a woman who carries this sort of “cultural” attitude. An attitude that says men aren’t supposed to be supported financially by wonen. Immagine a man losing his financial standing in a relationship like that!

      On the other hand, men, throughout the ages and as a matter of historical fact, have NEVER bothered about a “a breed of women that want to live off of men.” So why is this only a problem when roles are reversed? In fact, to most men (educated or not) the only two things that matters most is RESPECT and LOVE. They can be in a relationship and having the most lousy S3X from a woman, but show them those two things (respect and love) and they will not care how many…

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      College degrees you have or what your professional standing is….AND YOU WILL GET GREAT S3X IN RETURN.

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  1. Why do women still insist that they are equal to men?I fail to understand.As men we dont even think of ourselves as educated,we seek for higher things.But this woman is so like “…educated woman…”?But let me not be accused of being sexist,Zambian women being educated is just a first step,even your

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  2. The author sure has personal issues. Not trying to tell people what to say or what not to say but some things are much better when kept to yourself.

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    • Why should she keep it to herself…let me guess its unchristian for a woman to talk about what some men think about educated single women not having sex. You would rather talk to your pastor during overnight prayers!!

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    • Many women may not share her personal experience but if Sampa feels she deserves to be heard on this forum, who am I to argue?

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    • Yes Yes Yes she is discussing them because you don’t have the courage to….Its because of this selfsame mindset of keeping things to yourself and only discussing them with your aunties that has led to a lot of our faithful married women folk in Africa dying of AIDS over the years because their elders ill-advised them to stay in the relationship even when they knew that their husbands were having a dozen relationships with countless women.
      This is why I always give that example about you of that drunk neighbor we had in the 80s who used to come home and banter the wife bloody when we tell her we are going to report the coward of a hubby to the Police Station she violently confronts and shouts at us and states that he beats her because he loves her…that is you!!

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    • Nostradamus, forgive Jay. Let him continue to think he whatever he does about me but that wont change who I am. As for Sampa Kabwela, she seems to forget that we live in a world where a man is considered a legend if he has many girlfriends but a woman will lose prestige as soon as she has more than 2 boyfriends.

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  3. It is that obscurity of women sexuality that makes us ‘hunt’ for you and you love the fun of it, educated or not. What is education if not for the fact that it does not make you any superior, any alien, any hard to get, any superhuman, any elevated?
    I love a woman so educated and being real. Don’t let education get to your head. Sex is just a normal human phenomenon that transcends educational elevation. A WOMAN HAS A RIGHT TO SEX EDUCATED OR DUMB. PRACTICE SAFE SEX ALRIGHT?

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  4. This is why female genital mutilation should be kept as a cultural practice to keep Zambian women off the arousal and promiscuity train.

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    • You then wonder why Zambia NEVER develops, lagging behind in the Stone age, with most of you idolising 1d!o.ts like “Petauke Katundu Man”.
      Get over it, women are free to talk about their sexuality, it belongs to them, not you, or primitive P.F Cadres like the “Mb.uma” who was preaching ati “Anakazi ali na Ny3l.e ili palulu ngako”.
      YOU PRIMITIVE GOONS ARE JUST PETRIFIED OF EDUCATED WOMEN, COZ YOU CAN NO LONGER PUSH THEM ABOUT ANY MORE, USING FINANCIAL MUSCLE AS A WEAPON!

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  5. Refreshing article more of this LT away from the usual Politics …only insecure men make such references.

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  6. By Sampa Kabwela

    “There seems to be a common narrative among a bulk of Zambian men that women who are educated and financially independent are somewhat, sexually starving – as if to suggest that good education and great sex are mutually exclusive. This cannot be further from the truth.”

    What sample of the male Zambian community did they use. We were not purview to this census or poll. She is stretching the word bulk here.

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  7. Why do women actually believe there is a battle of the sexes instead of just managing the complex relationship between the sexes just as children do between them and adults. We are all intricately human. Bosses whether men or women take the butt of ire from affected subordinates all the time. It shouldn’t be turned into a sexism thing if it’s men having a fit about their woman boss? Does it when it’s women going on about their male boss?

    Take a look at what Serena did. Should billions of people be subjected to that crassness all in the phobia of sexism?

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    • mbeba na .. – Are you a man or a woman…if you are a man I doubt you have worked under so that many women seniors or managers. You sound like those Busungus who say racism does not exist it disappeared in the 60s.
      On the topic of Serena, I remember taking a bullet for her on social media and at work over the years when white men body shamed her…what did she do she went and married a white man.

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  8. The moment I saw that the fertility of men is not affected by age but by “BEER” i stopped reading.

    This woman doesn’t understand that men don’t like sex but beer.

    Every man who doesn’t drink beer like sex.

    Real men love beer not sex.

    Sex is for lower grade men.

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  9. ..first of all I would commend the author to be a very good writer…one would want to read on and on…
    But I feel like the write up is non conclusive. She is responding to the question with a YES and NO answer…basically she is trying to say…the situation is subjective…no need for men or anybody to put a blanket conclusion that educated women are sexually starved…
    ..she also mentions of men SOME getting intimidated with educated women while SOME men will still get a woman they want no matter what…the only problem I see in married educated or empowered women is that they create a tag of war with their husbands on who is to be the HEAD of the home without them realising it…

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  10. This reminds me of the debate currently trending on social media about Serena Williams where she was shouting abuse at the Umpire and was docked points..yes she does overuse the ” am a woman and I just had a baby” to be fair I have seen much worse from men complaining over years on the tennis court to the Umpire without points not docked and the media didnt make a big deal out of it.

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  11. No wonder men and women are busy killing each other nowadays, particularly in Lusaka. You see, the Almighty God our Creator, the King of kings and Lord of lords created us to study and live by the standards set in our manual (Bible) for us to enjoy this life. He created us and so He knows us better. However, humans nowadays especially, think they are wiser than God Himself and speak arrogantly and openly in public media. The beauty of any woman, educated or not educated, is in humility and goodness. When a woman is respectful, submissive to a man (or husband), a man almost automatically loves such a woman. However, most of the women nowadays, do not understand this aspect that’s why their men (husbands) have a problem staying home with family. The Bible (Paul) talks first about women…

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    • It is the other way around: Submission responds to love and not love responding to submission. The man must love the wife first for the wife to be submissive to the husband. If the man does not show love, the woman should not submit.

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  12. …unfortunately, space is limited on this platform so my complete comment couldn’t be published. Nonetheless, a word of advice to both men and women: please turn to God, call upon Him, repent of your sins and submitt to Him. Let Him alone rule over your life. Flee from drunkardness, immoral conduct, live a holy life. Jesus is coming again this time not as a child in a manger but as the Lion of Judah. He is coming with fire in His eyes. The devil and the devil worshippers know this and they do not mention the name Jesus in their meetings because there is power in this name. And most of us debating on this fora know God but we choose to ignore Him daily. Please repent of your sins and live a Godly life. Education, wealth, good life without Christ is nonsense and leads only to eternal…

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  13. Most of the social construct of society has always ‘demanded’ that women should not show their sexual feelings openly – or they should always ‘play hard to get’. Yet, we know that biologically our natural tendencies as male or female, is to want to copulate when the hormones are raging. Otherwise, as the animals that we are, we would be extinct if we did not have sex. Women have been suppressed to hide their true sexual feelings for a long time – unless, again as society dictates and labels, they are prostitutes or sluts.
    There shouldn’t be such sexual assumptions about educated women, but at the same time I hope the article is not suggesting that uneducated women get laid more easily because they are not enlightened or don’t have much choice?

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  14. That is her opinion and she is not a representative of all women in Zambia. Her emotions, relationships, education, social life and sexual feelings are personal. I advise her to form a club or organisation and register some members. It is her world.

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  15. This is a well researched article by someone surreptitiously seeking input to legitimize her doctoral research on the topic.For sure it is interesting, arousing and alarming all rolled into one.She should as all should read the essential sex book titled “P×SSY”. Its the bible. I have dated an MD, a Judge , an inheritance recipient and there was only one common denominator. Its how you use it. Not status. And street pickup to complement the parade….

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  16. While it is true that most sexual practices and attitudes in third world countries are decadent, depraved , morally inhumane and physically grotesque, we must not allow or succumb to the whims of immoralists in the westsphere. We are tutored early about courtship, not grabbing them by cough ,cough.The worst culprits reside in mostly devoutly religious soceities.Genital mutilation and other restrictions ordered in the quoran are barbaric.Indias caste system and the constant sexual lyinching orgies of females from as young as 3yrs old is abhorring.Girl, thank zambian men for drinking beer and using it properly.

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  17. You are being naive to utterly dismiss Kabwela’s opening statement. She is just being objective and the best we men should do is to check our attitudes. I agree with her in many respects e.g. I know a number of educated and married women. As a matter of fact if you want work to be done you probably are better off asking a woman to do it. That is probably why those whinging guys she mentioned were abusing the boss; it is because they spend most their time at work planning how to engage in non-productive activities if not swindling the company. Look at teachers in schools; women are the work-horses of the education system in Zambia and they have been for a long time while many men engage in drinking.

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