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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Part II: Expedition from Promised Land with Captain Chakolwa :Treason!

Columns Part II: Expedition from Promised Land with Captain Chakolwa :Treason!

Prince B M Kaping’a Political/Social Analyst

The bus was no longer in sight. It had now gathered considerable speed as it made its way along the meandering track down the breathtaking, lush green rolling Barotse plains, at breakneck speed!

“Does this thing even have brakes?” the Captain suddenly asked no one in particular as he consumed the last bits of his Jameson and tossed out the bottle through the window.

“I was also wondering the same….” the diminutive man who was always smiling, echoed.

“Anyway, I don’t give it a damn as long as we get to the ceremony before that Kachema,” he swore as he pressed the pedal hard on the floor of the ancient bus.

The bus was now surging ahead perilously. In no time, they spotted a convoy trundling ahead of them. That could be only one person…….the dreaded Kachema. The Captain honked incessantly to clear the convoy out of the way, but it maintained its course. As the bus was overtaking the convoy, the Captain shouted through the window, “Treason!”

“Yes……this is treason!” his passengers concurred in unison as they waved clenched fists through the windows, warningly.

As they disembarked from the bus anticipating a thunderous welcome like other places they’d been to, the villagers gave them a cold shoulder and focused on the King of ki maLozi. He was immaculately draped in a naval suit and head gear ordered from the land of Caucasians. As the King was about to jump into his gargantuan boat to ‘escape’ the impending floods, Kachema finally pitched up. The villagers shrieked with excitement as they scrambled to their feet to welcome him, ululating and dancing joyously.

The captain and his crew were seething with uncontrollable rage. They immediately retreated to a corner in the big tent to plot their next move.

“Let’s apprehend this villager from Monze and show him we’re in charge!” the man in expensive outfit and scary eyes exploded, as he caressed the pistol in his holster.

“We can’t arrest him while he’s here,” Captain Chakolwa reasoned. “His relatives….. ki malozi will skin us alive!”

They thus resolved to go and pounce on him once they were back in Lusaka, and charge him with high treason for endangering Captain Chakolwa.

Immediately the royal barge was out of sight with the King of ki maLozi safely on board, they dashed to jump back onto the bus. Clearly exhausted and inebriated, Captain Chakolwa missed a step and tripped on the burning sand. His minders hastily lifted him up and dusted him up before the rest of the crowd could witness the embarrassing incident.

“Kachema is to blame for all this!” the smiling one was raging with anger. “He must be punished for causing all this embarrassment.”

When they finally got back to Lusaka, they gathered in the colonial mansion where they took time downing one bottle of Jameson after another as they waited for the right time to make a move. It was well after midnight when they realized there was nothing left to drink.

“Well…..let’s do this thing….” Captain Chakolwa waffled as he staggered to his feet.

Knowing that Kachema was safely back at home during that time, Captain Chakolwa and his goons scaled the brick fence and besieged his house. Their faces were covered in masks to avoid being identified. They were armed to the tooth! They immediately got to work banging on the doors and windows using bats of the guns and fists as they ordered Kachema to “open up” in slurred tones. By the time they finally gained entry into the house, Kachema was nowhere in sight.

“Just as I suspected,” the smiling one proclaimed as he sniffed around like a mongrel. “I’ve a hunch Kachema has used strong mutti to make himself invincible. I’ve to immediately perform some rituals on his bed to subdue him.”

He stripped off his clothes and jumped onto Kachema’s King-size bed. He went on to offload all the contents of his stomach on the bed as he chanted some monotonous words. In the meantime, Captain Chakolwa was busy rummaging through the fridges in search of Jameson as he threw numerous bottles of juice around in frustration!

By this time, the diminutive man who was always smiling was done with his rituals. Meanwhile, the overpowering stench from fecal matter wafted around the house until no room was spared. The odour was so strong that it chocked Kachema in the bunker where he was holed-up. He desperately emerged out of hiding gasping for fresh air.

They tied him up and bundled him into the pan of a Landcruiser littered with dog poo and drove him away to the penitentiary where they kept hardcore criminals! They confined him in what seemed like a doghouse for the next 129 days.

Each day that ensued, they hurled him before the court attempting to convince the judge to keep searching the constitution for any law that would sustain his treason charge. Finally the Judge got fed up of their monkey tricks!

“This man you keep bringing before me is clearly innocent!” the judge snarled as his small eyes swept across the courtroom to find Captain Chakolwa. “I am now ordering that you release him so that he can go home to be with his family!”

Next episode, we tackle GASSING!

24 COMMENTS

  1. Satire makes sense when the depicted characters are those in a position of power. This should have been written when ECL was in charge otherwise we might misconstrue the motive. That’s why the likes of Kalaki and Jowie Mwiinga made a difference. By the way where’s Notorious Kalaki? We miss him, I hope that wherever he is they’re improving him. ECL has now retired from politics. Kachema wasn’t innocent in that episode, so don’t mislead people. We’ll see if he’s going to tolerate anything like he did when in opposition. And for your info, ECL reformed and quit Jemasoni while he was still Presido.

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  2. Trying to sway the citizens away from your failed administration. Just get to work and honour your promises. MMD took this route in 1992, no wonder they have partnered with you now

  3. Trying to sway the citizens away from your failed administration. Just get to work and honour your promises. MMD took this route in 1992, no wonder they have partnered with you now.

  4. Kaping’a would do well to go and plant Kapinga grass. Satire is not his thing. May be, and just may be, this Kaping’a thing would get a life from such an undertaking.

  5. Well said Gentleman. What value does this article add to our counrty, and he has even promised to come up with a gassing one…shame. by the way,Kalaki is the late now.

  6. Good morning everyone! No one who should stop anyone from reminding anyone how evil President Lungu was and the atrocities the previous regime committed against its people.

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  7. @Bill Kapinga
    We do not know how evil you yourself are. The fact that you have never been ‘in the public eye’ like former President Edgar Lungu does not make you a saint. There could be a lot of evil associated with you which may be unknown to many. Mind you, no human being is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. No little wonder God calls us all to be as holy as himself. Even a person you call evil has some good in him. Just a few examples from the time Mr. Lungu was President. A woman peasant farmer in Monze with physical challenges appealed for help to help grow her farming business. President Lungu bought her a tractor with a raft of farming implements. Another woman in Livingstone had her garden trampled and vegetables grazed by elephants. When she appealed for help,…

  8. @Bill Kapinga
    … President Lungu responded by providing her with money to help her re-establish her garden. President Lungu was moved by the dilapidated house of a former pastor of Mporokoso who lived up to 104 years before he died. He built him a house. For a long time we have been seeing on ZNBC reports of poor Zambians or their children from Southern Province with all manner of health conditions requiring specialist treatment ask for help. Not even once has Zambia’s dollar millionaire in current President Hakainde Hichilema come out to help such poor people from his own province. People are able to see from this as to who has and who does not have a heart for other human beings, especially disadvantaged people of our own society.

  9. Which atrocities did ECL commit? Name 5 of them before I conclude you are also hallucinating.Has he been charged, taken to court and found guilty of committing atrocities? Do you even know what that word means? Do you realize the both PF and UPND brought this country back as far as our peace is concerned during the last elections? Both should be guilty then but you only decide to mention one person.

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  10. Useless satire, this chap Prince has a personal hatred against ECL. Bring out concrete evidence so that he can be charged other wise any case against ECL will a fishing expedition as we call it in law.

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  11. This was a horrific experience. This was one incident that contributed to the PF downfall and a dent on the Lungu presidency. Maybe we should just forget about it. It was so painful not only to the Hichilema family but also many Zambians especially the 2.8m and many more millions that had been de-franchised Zambians.

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  12. Hello Prince!
    Stop the rubbish and mention the crimes ECL committed. Provide evidence or forever hold your peace. ECL was a CEO of the country just like HH presided over privatisation. ECL may have failed in some areas just like HH failed in some areas during privatisation. And many CEO s have failed in leadership but does that warrant constant attacks even when he has handed power peacefully. He had royals who were ready to die and could have resulted in many deaths but he chose peace. So don’t insult all of us who saw him as a good leader and not a liar. From day one he said he had no plan of his own but continue on late Sara’s plan. He was sincere than tell the people you have a plan and then cry out loud telling the people there’s no money. Obama took over from Bush and the…

  13. economy was very very very bad. Obama did not start blaming Bush but worked hard and turned the economy into one of the best during his tenure. Let President HH reduce talking and show us what he is capable of doing.

  14. Jemasoni chakolwa herein referred to as who??? I saw his supporters saying he’s reformed ; no longer pops jemasoni. Bottles….
    but zo ona supporter ni supporter in good and bad times…

  15. lt moderate a comment when insulting an elderly man like former president. Respect must be accorded to whether your father on not otherwise he is cursing himself. The above article has no substance. He is just insulting

  16. #12  Khumalo Mthunzi 
    October 21, 2021 At 12:30 pm

    “economy was very very very bad. Obama did not start blaming Bush but worked hard and turned the economy into one of the best during his tenure. Let President HH reduce talking and show us what he is capable of doing…..”

    Bush did not brutalise Obama and other presidential candidates and Americans citizens , nor did he use violent cader thugs to extort, maim and assault citizens the way lungu did……….

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