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The Outrageous Adventures Of Mix Njombwinjo Part 1

By editor
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Hi This is Mix Njombwinjo.

Hi! I am Mix Njombwinjo, first son of my father, Mr Chichayeni Padadzi, literally translating to “hammer it on its bald head” or something close to that. I am extremely intelligent and when I can afford, I am very neat. Smart. I don’t always manage to be neat, smart, because of my propensity to get well paying jobs and lose them soon after. Not that I am a bad worker, no. In fact those who hire me tend to wonder where I was while they languished in search of quality staff of my caliber all over the country.

They soon find out though that I have a dark side to my brilliance, which they do tolerate for a while but soon get flustered and show me the door. That dark side, brothers and sisters, is beer. No jokes here: I can hammer the stuff! And it goes with a twin called women. We don’t choose, aweh! Anything in skirts and on two legs (or even without legs, as was one catch at a seminar in Bangladesh) is ok. The drinking and womanizing have a strange punctuation between them: It’s called dancing. Yes, gule, kudenya, ukushana-shana! Man, you should be there to see us do our thing when we are inebriated. No system. Just dancing whichever way the beer dictates. We can dance with our backsides on the floor, we can dance on our hands, on our heads, name it. The game is called dancing, that’s all that matters.


Christmas time last year ended disastrously for me all because of dancing. I was drank and feeling pretty high, so high in fact I felt sure I was nearing Heaven. I took to the dance floor with real panache.The music kept sounding better and better. I was dancing alone but was literally all over, filling up the space of ten people with my flamboyant dance moves. Wiggling. Wriggling. Jumping. Gyrating. Rolling. Tossing about. All rolled in one, bwana, it was closer to a gymnastics display than dancing. One moment, the right leg has gone up, twice the height of an average-sized dwarf. Then up goes the left leg. Change step, baby! Like an owl, I rotate my neck several acute angles while sinking towards the floor. Feeling higher and better, it’s the turn of my waist to get involved. Man did I turn this lean part of my body into jelly with flexible forward, sideways and backwards moves. Kudenya, as they say back home in Chipata. I am sure I had more fans in the pub cheering me than an average Zambian national soccer team. To please them more, I went on my head and tried to spin, break-dance style.

That’s when all the booze actually came to my head. The stunt backfired and I landed against a table full of Mosi and Castle bottles. A dozen or so bottles went crushing to pieces on the floor. The township lads who had been cheering my foolish dancing didn’t savour the idea of all their hard-earned Christmas beer being lost that way. They had probably spent the better part of last week breaking into homes to raise money for that Christmas beer. They would not let a drunken ‘Some-of-us’ in black suit, white shirt and a stupid red tie around his neck, dancing like an invalid, get away with its loss. So they came literally flying at me. “Iwe kamdala niciani…(what’s the matter, you old man)?” And they wired me in all sorts of ways. Some kicked, others slapped, yet others still banged my nose with their foreheads. Yes, they punched me until I could not feel anything anymore. They took more money from my pockets than their spilt beer was worth. Actual Christmas day, I was booked in the casualty ward at the University Teaching Hospital, my face looking (and even feeling) like a ripe cucumber! That’s me: a complete donkey, I suppose.

I am proud of my father, because he made sure to knock me on the buttocks each time he thought I was exhibiting wayward conduct. You see, he was so strict on discipline. He tried. That I am the nut that I am is not his fault. He even gave me a university education, a rarity in our parts. When it was time for a beating he seldom chose the weapons to use on my small hard buttocks. Any dangerous item nearest to the location and time of crime was good enough. He once viciously tossed a tin of Fray Bentos beef towards my helpless little head as I ran for dear life, after mistakenly buying him the beef when what he had sent for was tinned fish in hot chili. The Fray Bentos barely missed my head and struck a huge tree in our backyard. The force on impact peeled off enough bark from the tree and drew sticky, red fluid out of it. To date I am convinced that had I been caught by that tinned beef, there would have been enough material damage on me for a manslaughter charge against my father, Mr Chichayeni Padadzi.

It wasn’t just his violent tendencies that unnerved me about dad. His looks too. Awkward shape, man. He is small. Very small. With a completely bald head. The shape of his head tended to remind you of a fruit. I am not sure what fruit but probably one with a very hard seed inside it and at least somewhere between oval and hexagon in shape. Probably of a bitter taste too. And his wife, my mother that is, for size, the very opposite: Huge, gigantic woman who was father’s efficient deputy at unleashing terror among us the children. When offended, she preferred to verbally assault you and also take in between her forefinger and thumb the tender flesh located somewhere up, up, your thighs. Then hold onto it like a tick! Her long nails digging deep into your thigh, she twists them for maximum effect and shouts “Sononobitch, will you do it again?” If you didn’t turn into a convulsive heap, crying out “Amama naleka! I’ll never do it again!” you sure were some tough guy asking for more.

Of my own looks, I don’t like it but they say I do bear some resemblance to dad. As a kid, if anyone wanted to start a fight with me, all they needed to do was tell me that I had a head like my father’s. Hey, that used to infuriate me and bring the best punches, kicks and head butts out of me. “Do I look like my father, me?” Kick! Punch! “Do I have a head like my father’s?” Take! And take another! Smash! I lost lots of fights which originated from ordinary situations like trying to grab girls from friends or losing a football match (I was a bad loser and always fought about it). But if you likened my head to that of my father, you could bet your underpants I would clobber you clean.

Away from that, I have had numerous marriages, obviously. Few women can understand the two Mix Njombwinjos. The sober, hardworking, very neat, smart Mix Njombwinjo of the daytime office hours, and the other evil spirit, the uncontrollable monster they see a few hours after sundown. If a woman could manage to lock me up at home all the time, keep me sober, they would have an enjoyable, lasting marriage. Without booze, I am shy. I am quiet. Completely respectable. Let go of me after work, I am the booze master, the sex monster, dancing harder than Travolta or anyone you think can dance. So my marriages break that easily.


Children? Don’t even dare start asking or counting. There are too many from different women. Some I don’t even know! My best friend behaves like me. He is worse where women are concerned. His name is Stakes Chitambo. Because of his hard womanizing, we call him “Girls”. Yes, Stakes “Girls” Chitambo.

It’s 17:00 hours, guys. Get a few intoxicating brews (and it doesn’t matter what because we drink anything), invite a few women, (ages, beauty or such things are irrelevant) and then play the music. I, Mix Njombwinjo, son of my Father, Mr Chichayeni Padadzi, retired headmaster, Republic of Zambia, will be there to do my thing.

editor
editorhttp://www.lusakatimes.com

102 COMMENTS

  3. Moral of the story: wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging. He who is deceived by it is not wise.
    Naifwe tula bunwa, but tunwa na mano. You will never find me helplessly drunk.

  16. Only pipo from chipata can behave like that,ne micopo sana.One day I saw a chipata guy with something I thought was a tooth pick.little did I know it was a tail of a Rat.Ha ha ha ha ha mwe fyakucipata muli mashilu like Mix Njobwinjo.

  20. #9 ine nga ndi pa Zed na temwa ukunwina pang’anda..elo ni Mosi na Amstel yeka yeka.
    Kuno ku Jelemani natemwa German Lager (probably the best worldwide). Did you know that there are over 200 types of beers in Germany alone? Kanshi fwe bena Zambia ni paradise!

  24. Ba LT ask the chap you call Mix Njombwinjo to read the article on “HIV testing ‘to be’ compulsory” and then comment since he is bragging a lot about beer and women. By the way since he is a made up character ask the author to comment on his behalf.

  25. Sony ericson Phiri uicindike uko ku mangalande not ukunwa sana kwati ni mix njombwinjo.tatulefwaya national morning nafuti.pa Zed

  27. #26 Okey Sony ericson Phiri you have to respect yourself there in britain.don’t drink too much like mix njombwinjo.we don’t want another national mourning.I have used icingilishi are you happy now?

  28. Mat thanks for your advice, it’s just if thosae guys in Virginina USA are emotional they can read your message something like “buy those AKs there in England not pa Zed and VIVA morning” or something like that…

  34. Baby c no chi greeting ine zo-ona.It will be a comfort to ci greeting from you,especially that I have a problem.

  35. #33 Sony what kind of a question is that???

    #34 matword-nice guy

    Sorry,how are you though? What problem do you have? spill it! thats why we are here

  36. hello people,
    I am a man. I would like to make female friends
    between 24 and 30. Thoses interested should text me on
    +260976098098. Please no phone calls just text messages.

  38. Thanks Baby C.I have been looking for someone who can love me the way i will love her.in june one girl from my church back home came into my life I was here,and she was still in Zed.I thought God had answered my prayer.yesterday I was very dissapointed when she told me that she can not tell me that she loves me coz of what happened to her in her past relationship.I was really shocked that i have even decided to give her time to deal with her past experience.Iam thinking of going to do priesthood its like these things of relationships are not in my blood.I have never enjoyed any affair in my life am now 26 next year february I will be 27.Paul was a man just like me he did not have a wife.

  39. You know one thing you should understand about ladies is, they take a lifetime to forget a disappointment. Most ladies usually are scared to give their all to another man after a disappointment because they think it will happen again. Problem is when a woman loves a man, she loves 100% hands down on that one. She thinks a man is everything in her life. Thats why most of them threaten to commit suicide because it becomes so unbearable for them. Ask her what she thinks of you, but don’t be too angry with her. besides you are still young. hang on for the next 3yrs and see what happens. Priesthood is not a solution just because a relationships has failed you, unless if its something you had

  40. Cont,
    wanted to engage in all along . Paul said its better for a man to marry if they can’t control their sexual desires.

    Note: The best way to live with a woman is to love her very much and not understand her at all. With that in mind, sort out your issues amicably.

    Matworld-nice guy , I know how you are feeling. Cheer up!!!!

  41. 19 reasons why beer is better than women

    1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
    2. Beer stains wash out.
    3. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play softball.
    4. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out.
    5. Beer is never late.
    6. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
    7. Beer labels come off without a fight.
    8. A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have another beer.
    9. If you pour a beer right, you always get good head.
    10. A beer always goes down easy.
    11. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
    12. You can share a beer with your friends.
    13. You always know when your the first one to pop a beer

  42. 13 reasons why beer is better than women

    1. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play softball.
    2. Beer is never late.
    3. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
    4. Beer labels come off without a fight.
    5. A beer won’t get upset if you come home and have another beer.
    6. If you pour a beer right, you always get good head.
    7. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
    8. You can share a beer with your friends.
    9. Beer is always wet.
    10. Beer doesn’t demand equality.
    11. You can have a beer in public.
    12. A beer doesn’t care when you come home late.
    13. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

  44. The writer made me think of the amount of bottles of wine I buy for christmas. I will reduce it to 4 bottles instead of the usual 15.
    Two christmas eve and two christmas day. After cooking christmas dinner I always wonder who cooked it after a lot of glasses of wine.

    To Mix Nyombwinjo. Poor writing skills

    • @Anonymous: Poor writing skills? You don’t understand literature. You are totally at sea as to what the author intends that’s how come you can make such a poor judgement!

  47. Baby C, Sony Ericsson Phiri, Nine Chale

    Mwabombeni atlast you are keeping the fire blazing on tyhe LT side…way to go…

  48. The most dangerous people are those we find in Night clubs drinking Fanta at 2:00am . No one knows there motive.Serious drinkers always have sex before getting drunk.

  50. I have observed in my little life of Guzzle, on the part of bar attenders that is, that the hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stup1d.

  52. A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 t

  54. Well let me Introduce you to some BEER TROUBLESHOOTING AND PLEASE Pay attention whever you are Drinking…Here we go…

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

  55. Cont’s

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

  56. Cont’s

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

  57. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

  58. Lastly…

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

  60. Hello Spectator, really funny stuff! Baby C has left and you have just taken over to make our day, am still laughing out loud.

  64. Iwe spectator, you are crazy, you guys made my day. this was great stuff.good humour though pipo with such character actually exist,

  66. Let me show you some behaviours that one assumes when he drinks a number of BEERS, Please pay attention:
    ONE – Relaxed. To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and will have little or no effect on speech/coordination etc. Conversation will be of the polite, perfunctory variety e.g. soaps, school days, sport and the price of Mealie meal, etc. Some beer-mat flicking will be in evidence, as the ice hasn’t quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke. Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Zambian and the chicken?

  67. TWO – Merry with the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth. The second drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up probably now touching on sports, soaps, school days – what else is there? Oh yeah -and in non-specific detail, sekisi. It’s time to consider your first visit to the bathroom, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough said.

  68. THREE – Tipsy. Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport part of the brain that controls reasonable behavior. The urge to consume copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and sports – however, the sekisi talk becomes more specific and of a “I’d give that one” nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type of competition.

  69. FOUR – Half-cut voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much, much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some dodgy comedian’s redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs…very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now turns from the idle fantasy of ‘partners you wished you’d had’ to graphic detail of the ‘partners you’ve had’. Hand/eye coordination is now on the difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else’s in your zip fly). Some girls will be working up to the first of the evening’s “nobody likes me – ev

  71. FIVE – Drunk. Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it’s all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges – such as the need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take over – and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.

  72. SIX TO SEVEN – Rat-arsed. Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that’s if anybody else can remember what the hell you were talking about, but mark my words, there’s always one who will. Conversation will now be on a one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the flesh of the opposite sekisi, will they ever go away? Some people…

  73. 73 cont’s….expound the theory that you always tell the truth when you’re drunk but I am more of the opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you’ve got them most chance to do so with. Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any chance of a meaningful sekisho encounter and will also leave room for a curry.

  74. EIGHT TO TEN – It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they’ve had one over eight, particularly those whose drink you’ve just hoovered. Others get maudlin, teary and start to question the purpose of their existence on this planet. Hey, if only they’d realize that there isn’t one and that having fun down the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it’s hard to imagine but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice – pissheads.

  75. ELEVEN TO FIFTEEN – Zamchinese. For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Zamchinese. , however, nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you’ll fall over at any minute. What the… hey, don’t worry about it, if ever there was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it – it won’t hurt in the slightest and if you’ve got any friends left in the morning you can proudly show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed – if you don’t live nearby, the pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its orthopedic qualities are well known.

  76. SIXTEEN PLUS – Clinically dead. You’ll feel like you’ve been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff – but don’t you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover and try desperately to remember what the ….. you did the night before, than at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine’s a pint and get one in for yourself – cheers then.

  78. Do you get loaded on an hourly basis? Or is ginger ale your idea of a stiff drink? The key to good partying is balance. Staying home and watching TV every night is unquestionably lame, but if you get so sick drinking every night that your days are always wasted, what’s the point? Drinking is great, but too much too often can really be a drag. Keeping control of your consumption can help you lead a happy party life. So, how well do you maintain a good party life and attitude? If you can’t answer this for yourself, take this little quiz.

  80. 1. The first thing you do when you get to a party is:

    A. Locate all the fire exits
    B. Locate all your buddies
    C. Locate the women and start right up with the cheesy lines
    D. Locate the Where the Beer is and make up for lost time

  81. 2. When the party ends, you can be found:

    A. Asleep at home
    B. Sober, and driving your loaded friends home
    C. Leaving with your arm around the hottest girl there
    D. Passed out in your own puke

  82. 3. The morning after a party, you can be found:

    A. Up early, preparing a delicious, but sensible breakfast
    B. Sleeping
    C. Hoping to God you didn’t give your name to that girl
    D. Doing shots of Panado or Asprin to get rid of your headache

  83. 4. When you go visit your local liquor store, the clerk most often says:

    A. “No new Spiderman’s today, sport!”
    B. “What can I do for you?”
    C. “Haven’t seen you for the last couple days. Been on vacation?”
    D. “You finished all that already? You know, I only get one shipment a day.”

  84. 5. When women meet you, they usually remember you for:

    A. Your brand new Shoes and clothes
    B. Your unusual talent in bed
    C. You beer gut
    D. The funny way you couldn’t stop shaking

  85. 6. When you have a little time alone, you most often:

    A. Call up the girls you like and hang up after hearing their voices. Then, call again
    B. Savor it
    C. Relax with the Bulls and a six pack
    D. Try to beat your record time for getting drunk and passing out

  86. 8. Your favorite book is:

    A. Any of the Hardy Boys mysteries
    B. Catcher in the Rye
    C. Clockwork Orange
    D. What’s a book?

  87. 9. The biggest reason you drink is:

    A. Milk it does a body good
    B. You enjoy the thirst-quenching barley-and-hops goodness of the occasional cold beer
    C. When the Bud Girls finally show up, you better have a beer handy
    D. Orange juice just tastes funny without vodka

  88. Score Your Answers…
    Now, count how many times you picked each letter and find your most common response. If you’re having trouble counting because you’re too drunk, just forget it and go directly to “D”
    A. Loosen up, man. Try wearing boxers, eating Jell-O with your fingers or experimenting with the F-word. Anything!
    B. All right, cool daddy, you’re doing fine. You control the firewater; it doesn’t control you. Let others tremble in awe–you are in charge of your own destiny.
    C. Watch it. You’re beginning to rely on alcohol too much for having a good time. Step back and enjoy life a little more. Booze is supposed to make good times better, not create them all by itself.
    D. Call ME,HELP

  89. SPECTATOR YOU REMINDED ME OF THE KITCHEN PARTY DAYS, thats the time when women drink carelessly, i remember once a man went to pick up his wife after a KP just to find his wife in a halfslip being helped to the car by her fellow women while they sang very loud at that time it didnt matter who was looking.

  92. Spectator! You almost killed me with laughter and I am dead sober!! These are good ones. I hope to remember them when I am drinking in zed next time.

  94. I had only one guy in mind who could be Njombwinjo in this story. No mentioning name otherwise FTJ will start complaining of assassination of character.

  98. Hi Mix,

    I am a fan of yours. I read your posts, in the newspaper. I once read of a story you wrote about a woman who had gone to a workshop and contracted an STI and passed it on to her hubby. However I do not know what happened thereafter she was sent packing with her hubby doing all the packing for her. Was a good story. I wish I would know what happened thereafter. I somehow got to miss the rest.

    I find your stories intriguing. Keep writing some more. I am an ardent reader.

    • Princess-Y
      I hope you have rediscovered Mix Njombwinjo in the Sunday Times of Zambia. I also have a Facebook page. So make friends with Mixture Njombwinjo. And thanks for ardently reading on.

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