continued from part 2 All of this time, my heart was crying out to be loved and accepted, but there was no way I was going to believe that I ever would be. I was damaged inside and I could not stand myself. My world was filled with all the lies from my childhood and my present life showed the results. I had lost so much sleep from wishing… “if only I could turn the hands of time back”.
I became bulimic, I wanted to punish myself for what had happened to me. I remember one day arguing with my sister over my new found diet. She asked me, why was I so angry all the time? She also told me, my new diet was killing me. I told her I didn’t care and I saw no purpose in being alive. No one seemed to care if I was even alive other, than my family. As she left my room, she told me to turn to Jesus with whatever was eating me up, that church was not a bad idea. I almost jumped at her for saying that because by now I thought every abuser hid in the church just like my uncle and his wife. They made sure they went to church EVERY time there was a service.
In the months that followed, I hit rock bottom, so I decided to go to
a man talking to some teenagers about the Love of Jesus over in the next aisle I overheard the whole conversation and was struck by how he talked about God
with such happiness, pride and love. As soon as the boys left, that he was talking
to, I suddenly was standing there gazing at him and wondering was it all true? I went up to him and asked him to tell me if what he said about the Holy Spirit was
For some reason I was not scared of this man. He answered my questions and told me that God really loved me. At these words, I broke down in tears. I did not care who was watching but I cried…. not because I remembered my past, but because I realized that there must be a God out there for me. Then he asked me something that threw me off balance. He asked me if I died today, did I know for sure where I would go? Was it Heaven or hell? I had for a long time decided I wanted to die but I never asked myself where I would go after death. I never answered his questions, I knew in my heart that I had to fill the desperation I felt inside. The man gave me his wife´s contact number and said to call and talk with her some more.
I did not immediately call his wife. My mind was still wondering if it was possible that I would live the new life….. accepted, forgiven and loved?? I finally called her after a month and we began to meet regularly for Bible studies. It was not easy.
She started to tell me that God loved me and He sent His Son Jesus to die for me. Yet in my mind, there was no way I was going to believe that. That I was here for a purpose as Jeremiah 29 verse 11 says. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
When she began to tell me how all have sinned and are separated from God, I just thought, I was more than separated, I was very far away from God. In fact I just thought God must have forgotten I existed. What plan would God have for me when my life was so messed up?
She told me she could see that I was asking “why me, God?” She asked “is it because something has happened that caused you to feel somehow singled out? Perhaps you feel that God must be punishing you for some reason. Why else would this be happening to you? Be assured, You are not alone. God has not abandoned you and He has not singled you out for bad things, no matter how you feel right now. Whatever you are going through, God’s promise is that He will see you through and give you the strength and direction you need. Indi, you cannot enjoy life without Jesus. You need to stop fighting.” I was in tears as she went on………..
Psalm 38:10 Described my life everyday in my misery:
“My heart throbs, my strength fails me; And the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me.”
But these Scriptures give me HOPE and they are not just for me, but for anyone who asks Jesus into their heart to be their Lord and Savior. God’s promises are for HIS People; HIS Children:
1. Psalm 29:11
The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace.
2. Psalm 31:2
Turn your ear to listen to me; rescue me quickly. Be my rock of protection, a fortress where I will be safe.
3. Psalm 31:4
Pull me from the trap my enemies set for me, for I find protection in you alone.
4. Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
5. John 10:10
The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.
The desperation I felt inside made me give into my fight and ask the Lord to come into my life after many months and years of searching. I went home feeling free and even though it was difficult for me to admit it, God had a purpose for me.
My life had been marked by abuse, anger and depression and unfortunately those things didn’t disappear overnight. God was and is no magician. It has not been easy to forgive what my abusers took from me. I missed out on being a child and having a childhood. There are times when the memories of those dreadful years flood me that I begin to beat myself down and the anger floods me, but I have to take it all to God in prayer. God has blessed me in many ways, I am alive and healthy, I am no longer Bulimic, I have a wonderful Husband and a precious child of my own. I have a chance to make a positive living through what happened to me.
I have had to take baby steps to healing, Part of that healing has been through the counseling that I am going through today. Talking about it has made a huge difference in my life. I have never got my revenge on my uncle and his wife but I believe that God will certainly bring them to repentance. My family only recently came to know of my abuse, and it has not been an easy thing but I am glad that there are no more secrets to be hidden. As painful as it was to finally “speak” about the things that happened to me, I felt like a burden has been lifted off of my shoulders to tell my story.
Daily reading the Word of God and believing that it was not my fault that I was abused has become a part of me. Even though I wish I had grown up with a different life, I have come to accept that I am a Survivor of Sexual Abuse.
Like I said earlier in my story, I have learned now what I should have learned a long time ago, to Love myself, to forgive and to accept that I can and deserve to be loved..
Lastly,……..I never wish for anyone to go through what I went through. As a child, I tried to tell someone I thought I could trust about my abuse, but she refused to accept it and punished me for it. I would like to encourage all those that are in similar positions to talk to someone trusted, someone that will respect the trust, seek help and believe in yourself as a survivor.
To those that can make a difference, help us stop all forms of abuse.
Every parent or guardian can help stop and fight abuse.
* Let your children know that you are always there to protect them and that there is nothing to be afraid of.
* Let the children feel that you love them and care for them.
* Never rule everything as a lie. Examples include a child might say to you that they do not want to play at So and So’s place because of some ghost or something scary. Go check it out or stop them from going there.
* If a child can write or draw, give them paper for all their secret stuff or scary things assuring them that you will not invade their secrecy unless they want you to look at the drawings later when they are not around….this can be a great start.
* Go with them to every doctors examination.
* Never react in anger to what they tell you.