In search of the secret to a happy marriage

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4,407 views
Is the secret to a mans heart through his stomach?

Dear bloggers,

 

I had been married for 5 years but after 2-3 years I started feeling like I had fallen out of love with my husband. I felt the biggest mistake I ever made was accepting to marry him in the first place.I was 24 years at the time recently graduated from UNZA and felt the pressure to marry.Pressure came from relatives who always passed comments at my always being on other peoples wedding line ups.Well, I had been living with my boyfriend for a year and felt it only right that we should marry.

Over the years living with him became a struggle.I crudely joked that for all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, there are women who are also thinking, “Why buy an entire pig, just to get a little sausage!”

I found every excuse to be away from my husband.I was at every baby shower,kitchen party,wedding,poverty reduction seminar…..I was just short of joining those women who entertain the president at the airport everytime he flew in or out.

My husband is generally a good man but I feel sometimes we have nothing in common anymore.Ok I’ll say it, he bores me to tears sometimes.

I would love a man with more knowledge of World affairs and a man who wears the pants in the home.I have to come up with the ideas of how to invest our money,where to build our home etc.All he does is watch football and drink.He never plans ahead and when he does,he does not follow through with the plans.

I would also love to get out more,visit different countries,visit game parks etc.Even taking a trip to Livingstone to see the Victoria falls to him is an issue.

Recently my brother was going to Tanzania to pick up a Japanese car and I jumped at the idea to go with him.I planned to visit one of my friends living in Dar es Salaam.My friend promised to take me on a site seeing trip to Mount Kilimanjaro.This was a chance of a lifetime but my husband vehemently refused saying it would be a waste of money. I went to Tanzania anyway.Its not like I couldn’t buy my own air-ticket.I’m as financially sound as he is.I had so much fun especially seeing mount Kilimanjaro.I then flew to South Africa to visit my sister.Her husband is a Ranger in the Tsitsikamma National Park.It was a chance for me to visit the famous Tsitsikama forests.

I had an awesome time in South Africa.The Tsitsikamma’s spectacular scenery which included the Indian Ocean breakers, pounding rocky shores beneath 180m high cliffs was a sight to behold.The ever-green forests and fynbos rolling down to the sea in a lush carpet, where ancient rivers have carved their path to the ocean through rocky ravines was awesome.I felt to blessed to be there.The highlight of my trip was bungee jumping of the Bloukrans Bridge.

Being in nature and away from my husband gave me plenty time to think.Perhaps my expectations of my husband were too high.Perhaps I was trying to change him instead of changing myself.Was I serious when I said those marriage vows? My grandparents had been together for over 50 years before they died and theirs was an arranged marriage. Surely there must be something I was missing.What makes two strangers marry and go on to stay together for 50 years.

I determined to fly back to Zambia and find out what that secret glue was that made people stay together for better or for worse.I would be grateful for any ideas.

Yours

Lady M

75 COMMENTS

  1. vote

    ba mayo imwe kanshi mukapwisha abaume muchalo.maybe you like men with big dicks,small or those who take 2hrs 2 release

  2. vote

    For any man I think those travels are not normal. Please cut them down. May be your husband needs things like kids, have u asked him ? Discuss things with him. Drink a beer with him also otherwise by the time you are done touring the world he will have kids else were. Two years and u have toured the whole world. I have seen people resulting to football and beer because of a problem that is not being discussed. Have you perfect like the way you have written the article?

  3. vote

    …by the way, my comments will be the kindest here. Stick around to read what is coming

    • vote

      hehehehehehehehe i also cant wait to hear zed gal and boys shoooting….lol. but though i think this story is misplaced should be on a platform like UKzambans or on another medium nt LT mwe!

  4. vote

    It is very clear that you do not value marriage. When you you stayed with your boyfriend before you married. When you are married you leave your husband and go to Tz witout his concent all are showing that your interest is not in marrige but in playing. Now let me tell you playing does not fininsh. I have never seen Tsitsikamma what is the effect? I have never sen kilimanjaro what is the fuss? I have seen better pictures of lion on animal planet and Natgeo wild. And movement like that will subject you to STDs especially HIV. Mind you you are a human being with normal feeling and you are likely to sleep with a man on each and evry expedition

    • vote

      Lover boy!!! your interests are not hers. However,following the story clearly,this Lady M needs help.You know it is easy to blog here but reality remains that this sister/friend of ours has lost direction. Infact,she has done wel to speak out and this is one sign that she wants to change.

  5. vote

    Girl-
    I see where you coming from. It’s a tricky situation which you should search your heart through. I was in a similar situation and when I read your story for a minute I thought I had narrated my story to you. I walked away with no regrets though I must say every situation is different and options may vary.

  6. vote

    try to find a way of getting your husband out of the country not just any other country. It will give him an opportunity to see how other people live. If that man knew what he is about to lose he would be backing to anything u say. My wife and i travel a lot and every time we do our marriage feels like the first week we got married.

  7. vote

    Yangu mukashana awe chabipa.My advice is …. run away and never return.Not a good idea to be trapped in a marriage.We are not living in the old testament times where 700 concubines were trapped in a relationship with king Solomon.Go for while impanga ichili iyibishi.

  8. vote

    I think you are taking advantage of your husband’s seemingly good nature. If you are no longer interested in him, which seems to be the case, don’t waste his time, tell him that you want to move on, he amy even find someone who will appreciate him.

    • vote

      really uli na nzelu mwana. wel said. tel her. mnt kilimanj ibe marrage therapy sure?

  9. vote

    Dear Sister,
    In short you are not yet married but living together. However, marriage is the only profession without a Professor. I was surprised one day to see a couple in their early 80s exchanging punches. Can you imagine separating fighting grandparents? To the contrary I know of Zambian working class woman who breastfed her husband’s out-of wedlock baby when the biological mother was unable. Can you imagine breastfeeding your rival’s baby for one full year. Anyway, despite all her efforts the man still went ahead to fun around, but the wife told him she was waiting for him to mature and come back to his senses.

  10. vote

    As you mature in marriage you will begin to tradeoff some of your much cherished desires and accommodate your partner. You will seek to help him shade off some his weaknesses and build him into that which is good for both of you. Always see how you can mend patches than avoid them. It takes one’s patience to make Mt. Kilimanjaro out of stone heaps but it can be done.

  11. vote

    The secret to marriage is in the bedroom. kula.tomb.ana bane. This woman also silly! A small sausage or your melon is big! Anyways thats why i insist on going for a “test drive” before you buy the car! You would have seen “it” and changed your mind. As for soccer and booze, please leave him alone, he is not alone. Even happily married men do the same. Remember chikwati niku bedroom!

  12. vote

    I hope you did not get laid during you tours, otherwise yo man shall soon know and you will regret ever having gone to TZ and SA. Moma problem ma fashio anapakisa, Forget about yo october airport days, times change!!!

  13. vote

    My dear sister, ask Bill Gates or even Obama! They also don’t have all their needs met either. Your granparents stayed together for that long because they were content with what they had! Let nobody cheat you, nothing is at it seems!

  14. vote

    Typical of a one-sided self righteous fantasy, boring and childish! Evening fairy tales by grannies in our villages are more educative and inspiring than this.

  15. vote

    However, whatever her real problem situation may be. I pray that, its not like boiling an egg in cold water.

  16. vote

    Come to know God the Holy Spirit will advise you correctly. Solomon did the same he followed dreses, He tasted numerous women mostly wealth and highily valued in society. He had a turning point. Vanity, vanity. You just have a demon please you need prayers urgently you are possessed. Educated people are the most humble. Men appreciate and women depreciate so much. Iam sorry to mention, Iam a woman too. You will soon discover what I mean learn to be humble and be happy with what you have..May you be delivered soon

  17. vote

    Women have a lot to do to work on women like her. I applaud her for her openness. You need serious counselling. You do not seem to know what you are looking for, sex, money, children, gayism. You could be hidding something. If this is what women are advocating I better stay single. I love RB and part of his challenges and for sure even this is blamed on him. a real winner. I love you. May be you can employ her she enjoys travelling. Not having children..

  18. vote

    yangu mayo naumfwa uluse maybe your husband tafikapo ulemushitilako tu chinese tea,enzoy,blue diamond etc so that ukalefilwa nokwenda.try it

  19. vote

    You are looking for a whiteman to love. You ill regret girl. If the man if reading this please there is no marriage here. Dont resolt to beer drinking find a solution, there are a lot of single and responsible ladies. Dont rush into marriage. Let others learn a lesson. I wish a success in your future marriage this one has failed. Be weary of HIV/AIDs go for test when she comes. She is deadly, she could have started a long time the real truth is manifesting now…

  20. vote

    This is a one sided story. We need your husban version. Reading from one side, I would advise this ‘girl’ to be part of the solution. Watch soccer with the guy, drink with him, may be you are not that innovative at home including the bedroom…the point is, do your part to make it work. Lastly, pls listen to the man, having your monies to fly does not lisence you to fly all like RB without your man’s conset

  21. vote

    I now understand the involvement of women in wedding parties coming the following day, ove rnight prayers, kitchin parties. These are becoming marriage barriers. Too much tugiligili mottos. Be open minded. Vote RB. Women in MMD dont take these satchets and come back on time and obey husbands not Satan’s.

  22. vote

    I love this column it has aroused a lot of interest. I advise that you see Dr. Manda at UTH if you dont like payers or deliverance immediately you come back from SA

  23. vote

    Men, men, men – very shallow comments from men. Why do you think the problem is with the lady??? Typical MALE Macho foolishness. Women are not objects for men – they are human beings with feelings, desires and ideas. So the hubby to this LADY must be shaken up from slamber! He should make the wife to feel good, appreciated and listened to.

    Why cant a financially independent woman visit victorial falls if the husband is a dander head that does not know how to enjoy life? She should be free to leave the burden home and go – and believe you me, unlike you unfaithful men – the woman will go, enjoy herself and she wont bonk another man. She just wants to be her and enjoy her life.

    So MEN own up! Grow UP – Treat women as people and not as second hand objects!! GET IT?

  24. vote

    I’m just reminded of another woman who claimed she could do anything to get her ever fleeting hubby to spend some quality time at home. Even from this one-sided story, one can see that this woman doesn’t know what asking for – dangerously immature!!!!

  25. vote

    You stayed for one year…. how was he? Has he changed? At what point did he change? Can you trace back what happened? We men keep certain things to ourselves and react by changing our behavior. If your husband has changed, maybe you said or did something that disappointed him so much. Please trace back your steps and remember, as my late shibukombe said, what got you together in the first place… even if its just his nose! Lesson here is that you will get bored or lose some interest at some point. Key thing is keep looking at the main thing and you will feel happy again. I suspect also that you dont speak to him in a proper manner. I get this from your “I would love a man with more knowledge of World affairs and a man who wears the pants in the home”

  26. vote

    ‘Well, I had been living with my boyfriend for a year and felt it only right that we should marry. ‘ Explain this part to me… you courted for a yr and didn’t learn anything at all about him…?

  27. vote

    I also think you have your eyes focussed on another man. If not, your are positioning yourself quite well for susceptibility to such a man. World affairs? At which part of the day will you discuss world affairs? After work, weekend? Which world affairs and how do they influence your home? I see that you actually have a lot of time in your hands. Why not ask him what HE would like to do? Yes you want to go out, but what does HE want? Cook (don’t order) him a nice meal and talk nicely to him.

  28. vote

    I also have a problems. My dick has stopped funtioning whenever I am wth my wife of 20 years if you add courtship it goes to 26 years. The thing z when I meet her sissy ohh my. We could go on for hours. We ve been doing this for the passed 5 years without my wifes knowledge. Any advise

  29. vote

    Mwebantu I bet you are not married. Believe me, happiness is not in financial independence as many women want to think. We have so many women in the west seeking men coz they have realized money is not the answer. The men dont want to marry them coz they have attitudes liek yours. Believe me you cant fight nature. You will want a[ny] man one day and even pay him to be with you. A clever person is one who learns from others.

  30. vote

    I’m disappointed at the comments here.Why do y’all think the woman is at fault.Everytime theres a marriage problem its the womans fault.The man has issues
    1. small sausage
    2.Doesn’t know whats going on around him in the world
    3.no financial vision
    4.boring
    5.must be a Chelsea supporter

    men need to jack up also.its not all about the marriage bed.You need to be a source of security,not always talking about howrd Webb,old trafford,Barca etc. Spice up the romance.Take your woman out

  31. vote

    You said all he does is drink beer and watch soccer and then later on add that he is as financially sound as you are. Is there someone else that you think about sexually more than your husband ? You admire too much what has been ordered on the next table and forget the goodness of the food that u have ordered. Take time to talk more. Maybe u are the reason why he has taken to drink.
    The problem with you wives of ours is that you forget doing all those crazy things that we were doing while dating and expect everything to be the same. Us men also get tired of being the aggressor every time. You expect your man to come on to you every time and only have the guts to do so under some influence of some drug or beer. Open up to him in every way. I would have loved to hear the mans side of the

  32. vote

    CTD from #34. story. Go for a couples retreat and open up in front of other couples. u will surprised that what u have burning inside of both of you. One day at home, try to play reverse characters (where u act like he does and he acts like you). The secrets to a happy marriage life in openness coupled with I LOVE YOU, I AM SORRY and FORGIVE ME once in a while. If u want more titbits, email me on [email protected] Remember that there is no master in these things. Its up to you two to make or break it. Seek divine intervention as well. Family and friends are outside the equation.

  33. vote

    Where is that wacko Mushota, these are the things are her level . I will not comment. matters of love are very complex

  34. vote

    This story belongs in some women magazine or something like that. Please let LT be a vehicle for constructive matters and news, not people that can not plan their lives. There is Dr Phil and Oprah for such issues. Is it practical to solve every woman’s psychological problems? This article is a time waster and has been posted on the wrong media. Please LT give us news and not this [email protected]!

  35. vote

    these drunkards you get ladies..you will have to live with them for life..get a man that will make life so interesting for you ..take you out regularly and plays with you..smiles with you and shares in your sorrows..leave the chap and move on!!

  36. vote

    matebeto is not the solution afterall you don’t even know how to prepare some of that food…

  37. vote

    Careful who u complain too. Us men has got the ability to lend a listening ear and then start acting everything that u say your man is not. J

  38. vote

    pa Zambia, My dear lady next time you come to South Africa give us a shout… ifwe twakwata iya Nsofu noti iya Nkumba iyo ku Zambia…

  39. vote

    My dear Lady, what you have narrated is not unique to you but to millions of couples world wide. It all boils down to ONE thing and ONE thing only. Why do people get married? You see, the trouble is that we have all read fairy tales that end with ‘and they lived happily ever after.’ The motive for marriage is to make someone ELSE other than SELF happy. The question you should have asked is, ‘Do I want to make this man the happiest person on earth regardless of what it does to me?’ If you cannot answer in the affirmative, you are not ready to marry someone. Now, that you are already married, work at it. I see that you are more concerned about YOUR OWN happiness, but do you really know what HE wants?

  40. vote

    #38 Pulamasaka you are spot on. Leave the guy and move on chapwa. Marriage is how you make or break it. You are educated and have money. Why cry over a drunkard. Unless there are facts we dont know…………………..

  41. vote

    Whats wrong with human species kanshi??? 5000 years of existence but no manual for love shinganaviza uko.

  42. vote

    Selfish people are better off staying alone and not marry. It is not all about me me and me. From what you have said it looks like you did not look very carefully before you got married. Unless your husband has changed, I want to beleive he used to behave the same way when you stayed together for one year before you got married.

  43. vote

    All you men out there, if you have a woman who recently went to Tanzania and later to South and was at Unza for her tertiary education, come and see for yourself. She is a ka Bit ch.

  44. vote

    This woman needs help coming back to her husband with full commitment. It’s never too late

  45. vote

    she needs to be fucked in the ass then in the mouth then screw the pussy for she is a useless bitch

    :((

  46. vote

    There are women whom just to be called “Mrs Deliverables” is all they want in life because they have been where you are and have come back. While you are crying about Vic falls, Tanzania and South Africa, your hubby is enjoying with a woman from misisi in a one roomed house with no electricity, where when he sleeps the feet are outside,drinking water from a well and is the happiest man in the world. Why? Because she relaxes his tie when he gets there, prepares him water to bath, he finds food on the table after bathing and there is some roasted groundnuts after the meal, she never ask him about trips to Tanzania. So I would urge you to continue acting the way you are doing, it gives your husband more reason to go to misisi where is a hero and the happiest man in the world.

  47. vote

    Number 51 I agree with you. Women do not know that it is a lot of presure to talk about SA, TZ and so on

  48. vote

    What does marriage mean to you, lady? Answer this question honestly and half of your marriage problems will be resolved.

    If you base you marriage expectations on the ‘TV Soap Operas’, which seems to be the case going by the gist of your article, you will continue chasing the wind and never find fulfillment—-sexual or otherwise!!!

  49. vote

    A lot of cadres are taking this case into their usual cadre mentality,Girl run first and get that groove on,why stick up with some probably Chelsea fan when there is life out there.

  50. vote

    Haaaaa Nalikwishiba eweeee, Twalibonse Pa UNZA.. waletombesha Kuli Bonse Abalumendo, and when asked she always said that dude was not good and Boring.

    1- Your behavior have not been straight, when ever you where on a line up waletobesha. We all know.
    2- Tauikuta: even 20 will not satisfy you, once you taste chapwa, same stories, small sausage, whole pig bull shit.
    Fact is that you think you are too successful and want to push a blame on your husband. Very unfair because you got married to impress your friends and family. You dint love the dude hence these things happening.

    What a time waster for your husband and you will get what you want. Kalimunshila.

    Elo naufwile at wali mu strip club part time tombesha in SA??? Ukutumpa,

  51. vote

    If the writer of this story waz not just fantasizing to stir up debate, which iz not bad, then I can say the “lady” must go back to the basis of their relationship and subsequent marriage.  Else she iz still “just living together with my boyfriend for a year”

  52. vote

    Marriage has become a joke! I wonder how we would have grown up if our mothers thought and behaved like this lady.

  53. vote

    Abena big mbombo kashi nikalya kaletombesha sana pa cumpes napa break. AHH ninkeshiba naine kalisampelapo nokulanda ati kalintemwa sana. After two days naishilemona ulefuma mu level yakako. But kale sorva kuli ba mojo naba monko. Pali ubwendo palya ayii

  54. vote

    Lady you need my pumping machine and you will surely stay put at home. You hus is not hitting you write hence for you to start looking for it else where….Please get in touch with me because am heavy low and a serious doing machine……

  55. vote

    look for a movie intitled why did i get married by tyler perry. watching it may not solve your problems but it will definitely give you some insight.otherwise i think your concerns deserve serious adressing. like seing a marriage counsellor.

  56. vote

    This woman has no respect too expe the hub at all. I am not too sure she sounds like one who is so expectant in life. Mayo tekanya do not think you are much cleverer than the hub. Bika bbola panshi. Ulefwika kwata ufwaya bachuma iwe. do you have children i doubt. i feel for your husband. You have stressed your man because of what you do and say to him. tawafundwe iyo that one i have no doubt. wikalwalika muntu wabene in search of greener pastures. Leave the man alone. the problem is with you even if you say no!!!!!

  57. vote

    would have loved to hear the other side of the story. The one year you stayed together should have had indications of the type of person he was. But if you had hoped he would change too bad. But its not too late before those trips you enjoy let him share with you what he likes and go by it then you can talk and address issues.

  58. vote

    Woman, leave the man for us singles who are willing to fit in his shoes, surely given a chance I will look after him very well and he will be a happy man in. Life. Don’t worst other pipoks time.

  59. vote

    I think that lady is not serious with marriage, she needs to go back munyumba for more information on how to run chikwati. yes she has been going ku ma wedding, parties but she never got anything inteams of ulangizi, coz after passing through this stitution she could have gone kwa ngoswe than embarrancing her own husband. single ladies are many who are looking for marriages. He is your husband sit down and be open to him. Handle your marriage with two hands my dear otherwise you are going to regrate.

  60. vote

    Lady, the only thing I see here is that the problems are on your matrimonial bed. If your husband was giving you enough orgasms per week you’d never think he was boring and would never leave him.

  61. vote

    # 58 POSA AMENSHI.. Eyaaaaaa Eeeee, walasa, Eko Kalya Kene, Kalikwata ubwato. Mayooooo. Ichulu type.. not balloon type Iyoooo, Haaaa she used to give good, Nalishibe elyo naufwile ati she got married to a Chelsea support that It will not work. Kanshi naiwe walekapela? We started doing each each after wedding.

    Iyooo Kalipela Bamwachula Ku TZ, Nama ZULU Pa JOZI. Mwaiche iwee,sure Nashako Sure, Akape kala sensela…

  62. vote

    The duty of a woman in marriage is to build and nurture. If this is supported by a husband who does not spend time outside the home, then one is bound to have a successful marriage. Lady consider yourself blessed that your man spends time at home, from what I read here. A lot of your friends out there are crying because their men are never at home. You are a working wife, whenever you are off, your job is to be a wife and not spend a lot of your time outside your home attending all those social gatherings or exploring the world. This can yes, be done but once in a while. My advice to you is to take interest in what your hubby likes and spend time at home with him. Eventually he too will come to like what you like which will eventually lead you to a compromise!

  63. vote

    Its not good to cheat or pretend. Open up to him and discuss what is eating you up if not, and go to your Pastor and shibukombes. If you feel you cany stay with him better divorce than to live a painful life, however be rest assured you may never get anyone better than him. I hope you are not comparing him to boyfriends you had earlier. Best wishes

  64. vote

    Mama when you feel like the part in the story you were playing has come to an end LET IT GO because the future consequences may be fatal.

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