Appointment with miracles at the Synagogue

They flock to the Synagogue in their droves……..senior citizens, the barren, the blind, the malnourished, the crippled, the indisposed, students waiting to write their exams, those aspiring for higher offices, owners of cows dying of anthrax, those grappling with matters of the heart etc!

They’ve to do this every other day, 24/7…… It doesn’t matter how many times or years they’ve to do this….As far as they were concerned, their miracles were buried within the five walls of the Synagogue.

They had used all manner of transport to get there – ox carts, bicycles, trains, SUVs, buses…..and those that couldn’t afford a bus fare had to do it the Jesus way!

In the meantime, they sung their lungs out; stomped their feet, and danced boisterously as they awaited the arrival of Papa General, in a manner that would have left Angels above impressed. Immediately they perambulated through the imposing Mahogany doors of the Synagogue, all their burdens – fear of accumulating zeros in their exams, failure to conceive, desperation for jobs, excruciating hunger in their homes, dying cattle, earthly desire for marriages, sorcery in the family were deposited outside the Synagogue!

After what seemed to be singing and dancing for eternity, the motorcade of Papa General rolled in, in grand style. 12 skinny lads in oversized, double breasted gray woolen suits ardoned with yellow shirts and green neckties dutifully trotted alongside the limo; the sweltering October heat taking its toll, no doubt. Two groups of women; one forcing a faster pace to avoid being ran over and another in hot pursuit of the vehicle, looked resplendent in their colourful sarongs and head gears!

The women prostrated themselves flat on the ground immediately one of the hangers-on flew open the door, oblivious of thorns and other sharp objects on the ground. Papa General was considered too holy to set his bare feet on the soil which was of course contaminated with their multiple sins. As he exited his 12 doors limousine, he had to choose carefully where to lay his feet…..on the more prominent buttocks!

Congregants immediately became spellbound and transfixed as Papa General swept into the Synagogue.

“Hallelujah, church!” he suddenly shrieked as he waved his hands around, dramatically.

“Amen!!!!” His holy voice had brought them back to life……

All of a sudden, there was a fantastic display of various acts…….not a single soul was spared by the indomitable presence of Papa General! As the youths tore off their shirts and engaged in sammersaults across the pews, women were literally flying to touch the fine robes of Papa General while the men were cowering in the corners as the children crawled and rolled on the shiny marble floor!

After delivering a short sermon without even bothering to make any particular reference to the Scriptures, the moment they all had eagerly been waiting for had come.

“I shall neither leave you nor forsake you,” he paced up and about the pulpit energetically. “Today is your day of salvation!”

“We receive it Papa General!!!!!” They answered in unison.

After guzzling a bottle of chilled water, he invited all those ‘yoked’ with various burdens to walk to the front.

“Remember…….God’s time is not your time!” He reminded them as he did every other day. “Ask, and it shall be given to you…..”

In the meantime, a winding line had formed in front of Papa General flanked by the ever smiling coterie of boys in snow white overflowing robes with Angelic faces.

“What brings you to the Synagogue?” he licked his lips ravenously as his eyes strayed to the two mounds that provokedly stood erect on the chest of the attractive girl with dimples, upturned button nose and thin lips.

“It’s your grandmother on your father’s side…..” he pronounced as he fondled her breasts, toyfully. The girl was in no position to protest, of course. It was Papa General touching her after all. He could do whatever he wanted to do with her body if God allowed it.

“I decree and declare!” he squeezed the breasts harder. “You shall soon find the right man the Almighty God has ordained for you!”

She suddenly found herself sprawled on the floor. Her legs couldn’t withstand the good news! Some ushers quickly stepped forward…..they covered her well shaped brown thighs which were now a source of distraction for Papa General, and took her away.

“We’ve been married for 20 years and yet we don’t have kids…..” the couple was almost in tears.

“Spirit of barrenness,” he said as he slapped the man on his manhood while he pushed his other hand underneath the dress of the woman and sprayed annointing oil on her. “I command you to leave this couple, right now!”

“Pray for us that we should pass our exams Papa General,” a couple of youths with wobbly legs beseeched him.

He did not have much time for such. He unleashed savage slaps on them which sent them crushing hard on the floor.

“All my cows are dying,” an old farmer wiped his tears. “Please man of God, pray for my deliverance…..”

“I pray that your farm shall no longer play host to pestilence,” he didn’t want to waste much time on the old man; his focus was on a man in a pinstriped business suit. “Sacrifice 10 percent of your stockhead to the Synagogue and it shall be well with you!”

The man in a business suit collapsed on his knees in obedience and handed Papa General a thick brown envelope before he could even say anything. He was sweating profusely and trembling spasmodically. He was keen to learn the revelation Papa General had for him this time around.

“It shall be well you, thus saith the Lord,” his eyes glittered as he examined the tycoon from head to toe like a newly born baby. “I’m seeing you perched on the throne, sirens whirring……. it’s just a matter of time, now!”

The renowned business executive and philanthropist produced another thick wad of green bucks which he had set aside for a charity event and surrendered it to him. He quickly grabbed it whilst congregants were hypnotised in prayer and shoved it inside his robes.

As he progressed to the other end of the queue, his eyes shifted to the usual suspects…….the senior citizens, the crippled, the paupers, the terminally ill, the widows and orphans! Of course, he didn’t have the luxury of time to waste on such. Moreover he stood to benefit little if nothing from such lowlives.

“You’re delivered from whatever situation is bogging you down…..Amen!” He uttered a pop corn prayer and handed over the programme to the church secretary.

Prince Bill M. Kaping’a
Political/Social Analyst