BY TIYESE SAKALA
WHEN two people exchange lifelong vows and promise to be there for one another providing support in times of bliss and troubles, they promise each other total commitment regardless of the situations that may unfold in the future.
But how ready are they to uphold these vows and just how far can they go to walk the life road with its ups and downs?
For even God in the Bible has clearly said that “What God has put together let no man put asunder” hence by so doing, the two are bound and no one but God himself can separate the two.
To this effect the Catholic Church in particular asks over and over again if the two people standing before the altar are ready for the consequences of their actions bearing in mind that once the vows have been exchanged they cannot be broken, no matter what the circumstances.
“The Catholic Church is highly observant of this verse in the Bible and once a marriage has been ordained in the Catholic Church no one has the authority to break it, not even the courts of law. Just as the wedding band which is exchanged by the two parties is round without a beginning and an end, so should a marriage be once it starts it should have no end and that is our basis,” said one marriage counselor in the Catholic Church.
As the world evolves we see many marriages being ordained in the Church and, as many as are being ordained in the Church, so are many others, which are breaking down and ending in divorce even those involving religious leaders.
Divorce, though it seems the easiest way out of a marriage that is either loveless, or full of mistrust and disrespect is not the solution but a problem in itself as not only the two parties but the children feel its effects as well.
Once a marriage is dissolved, one of the parents is supposed to move out of the matrimonial home and if she takes the children with her they are forced to change schools, friends and all together change their way of living to suit the one parent system.
The woman has to worry about the effect that the divorce would have on her children and also think of how it affects her work performance and social life.
On the other hand the man is also not spared as he has to adjust to tending to all his needs such as preparing meals as well as washing and cleaning up on his own, which is not a normal trend in a traditional Zambian home setup.
He might end up marrying another woman just to fill the void left by his wife and in some cases such marriages crumble as soon as they start as they are more out of convenience than love, thereby continuing the chain of divorces.
Sadly, this chain is creeping into the Church, worse still even the pulpit.
I know of a family which was highly regarded by both their community and their church because of the various activities they involved themselves in such as marriage counseling, both Christian and traditional counseling, organising the community fundraising activities, and their doors were always open to any member of their community even beyond.
Because of their status in their community, word went round quickly that the couple was headed for divorce and this became the main topic in the local gossip corners.
When their two children, who were in their youth, learnt through their friends that their parents were headed for a divorce, they felt cheated and humiliated that their parent’s problems had been hidden from them and only heard from the public.
Resenting their parents, one resorted to coming home late and drinking beer as a way of avoiding any confrontation with his parents while the other just kept to his room and rarely came out to have meals with the other family members.
Without realising that their children were affected by their plans to divorce, the parents went ahead with the proceedings and agreed that the boys stay in the custody of their father but this only deepened the situation as they ended up dropping out of school since their father was rarely home and did not realise that his children were not going to school until it was too late.
After all the African society especially here in Zambia is of the belief that a man’s sexual masquerades can never lead to divorce but an adulterous woman can not go unpunished.
To this effect there is a saying “Ubuchende bwamwaume tabutoba Ng’anda” literally translated “A man’s sexual escapades never break a home,” this is evidenced by the number of extra marital affairs that married men engage in and how much they try to justify them though most of them still lead to divorce.
But when a couple reaches the stage of divorce the children are the victims. Growing up in a troubled home where parents argue and fight whenever they disagree is hard enough on its own but to grow up without one parent is even harder and usually tends to have negative effects on the children of such a marriage.
Other cases are those where marriages just break down due to habits that partners refuse to give up.
One man says he decided to sue his wife for divorce and gave up all the household goods and other investments they had acquired together just to escape the marriage where the wife was a perpetual drunk and used to insult the husband whenever he failed to give her money to sustain her beer drinking sprees.
Mr Muwale as I would prefer to call him, married a woman four years younger than him and envisaged a marriage of unending bliss, without knowing that his wife was a drunkard who would not go to sleep unless she consumed some of the intoxicating liquid.
Once married, Mr Muwale was sure that his wife would settle and change for the better but that was not to be.
The wife due to her excessive drinking started spending nights away from home and the second time she got pregnant decided to hide the pregnancy from the husband as she was not sure if it was his.
“I only came to know of the pregnancy when she was admitted to hospital because she had attempted to terminate it, I wondered why she should do so if it was really mine. Once she came home I demanded an explanation but she continued trying to justify her action so I had no choice but to sue for divorce as I wanted to start a new life without her, I felt betrayed and had just had a lot of issues with her the best was for us to go our separate ways,’ he said.
Mr Muwale also won the custody of the child who is now in grade four and has since married another woman who is also looking after his child.
Divorce is not the best solution to a crisis and no matter what the differences are people should not opt for it as it subjects the partners including the children to mental torture and in many cases result in low self esteem.
Some people have been known to even do better once they get out of loveless marriages while others sink even deeper and the children tend to have negative views about marriage which God ordained to be sacred and unending until death.
So the next time you contemplate walking down the isle it is important to understand the implications of the decision you are about to take for there are even graver consequences than divorce.
[Times of Zambia]
